


This Is The Rest Of Your Life

by Tennischica12683



Category: Dance Academy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 05:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6840085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tennischica12683/pseuds/Tennischica12683
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It was easy to lose perspective because there was this one thought playing over and over..." Tara has just fallen during her company audition, leaving Christian reeling, knowing that she may never fully recover. His thoughts on Tara, his mom, Sammy, and his future. Comments are always welcome! Thanks! ***I DON'T OWN DANCE ACADEMY!***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Helpless

I hate hospitals. The smell, the shiny white floors, the too-bright lighting, people dressed in funny gowns that don't quite cover enough of anything. But mostly I hate the way they make me feel... insignificant, unimportant, helpless. Like, no matter how hard I try, I can't change the way things are. No matter how much I want things to be different, they aren't. It reminds me that I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, that compared to the universe, I'm a small speck of dust in the scheme of things.

I couldn't save her, my mom. Being here is a constant reminder of that. She's gone and I couldn't do anything to protect her from her fate. When she got sick, it was as if all the air in my lungs had been slammed out of me. I couldn't breathe and part of me didn't want to. Not her! Not the only person who still believed in me; that I could be better, that I could change... She was beautiful! Perfect! She had so much faith in me and all I'd ever given her was grief! Causing trouble, getting into fights, being crap in school, not taking life seriously. Wasting the time I had with her; thinking I'd have plenty of time to make up for all the stupid stuff I did. Boy was I wrong. Way wrong.

The bitterness of my mistakes adds to my distress as I sit in my chair, Kat's hand clenched in mine, her head on my shoulder. A clock ticks somewhere on the wall, but all I can focus on is the deafening silence of the waiting room, my coffee cooling slowly in my hand. I glance over to the other side of the room where Ben and Grace are sitting silently next to each other. Ben looks up and catches my stare, nods and then looks away, his attention returning to Grace, who looks lost and small, two things I never imagined her to be. She is fearless, or so I thought. I guess we all have our secrets. It's funny that no matter how hard we try to hide our true selves, eventually it all comes out, usually at the most inconvenient times.

I feel numb, just like before, only this time it isn't my mom who I am worrying about. It is her. The only person. The one person besides my mom who I truly connected with, who I truly love. Tara.

As I sit here, powerless in my own right, she is somewhere in this place and I can't get to her. Can't make it right. Can't fix her. She is broken and I know that part of it, if not most of it, is my fault. I've pushed her away more times than I could count; this year and last year. Sure we had our issues as all couples do. Last year, when she wanted me to find my dad, I knew she was right. I couldn't change the past but I had wanted to see him, and she knew it. How she knew I have no idea, because I was doing my best to hold it all in, to keep everyone from knowing how much it hurt to be so alone in the world. But I guess it didn't work. She wasn't fooled at all and it made me angry; that she could see through me so easily, see everything that I was trying so hard to hide, that I did the only thing I knew how to do... I rejected her, crushed her spirit, told her I didn't need her, didn't want her, when in reality, she was the one person I actually did need. Do need. If only I had stayed with her. If only I had had the courage to tell her that I was scared... that I might end up just like him. 

My dad had never been there. At least not as far as I can remember. My mom struggled to put food on the table. She worked so hard for my brother and me and he couldn't have cared less. At least that's what I had thought. Turns out he was scared too. So scared that you leave just to save yourself any possibility of losing the ones you care about most. The people who you love more than anything else in the world. That's how I felt when I was with Tara. Like at any moment, she might be ripped from my grasp and the possibility of that was more painful than I care to admit. She only wanted what was best for me, for me to be happy, to know my dad, or at least give him another chance. 

But the thing is, I'm not like her. Good and kind and forgiving. Quite the opposite actually. I didn't have the wholesome up-bringing that she had. Even though I loved my mom and I knew she loved my brother and me, it wasn't the same. It wasn't what Tara had. What I had wanted. Not that it was Tara's fault, although I treated it that way. I channeled all my pain and anger and jealousy toward her and let it explode unrelenting, until she had no other choice but to leave. 

When she apologized for trying to find my dad that day in the studio last year, after my pathetic attempt to get back together with her in the club the night before, I knew I couldn't risk hurting her again. We had been through so much. She was already in too deep, already knew too much about me, and I knew if we got back together, she wouldn't stop trying to help me. Who was I to deserve such attention? Who was I to deserve happiness? A life where I actually had the potential to succeed? To change and be better? I wasn't like everyone else. I wasn't a shiny new toy on a shelf. I was damaged, broken, undeserving. 

Even now as I sit here, hoping for news, or dreading it – I'm not quite sure which – I can't help feeling worthless. Suddenly, Jayden's words from a few weeks ago come into my head... "You're kind of hard on yourself dude." Even at his young age, he is wiser and more together than I am! I fight back a laugh at this revelation, not wanting to break the silence of the waiting room. It isn't the time or place to laugh, not with the reason we are all here.

Suddenly, thoughts of Tara from last night slam back into my head. I was doing such a good job of distracting myself and avoiding my memories of the incident, that I am not ready for the gut punch I feel as they all come flooding back. Watching her dance so beautifully, like the siren she was portraying. Gliding effortlessly across the stage, as if her feet weren't even touching the ground. Using her easy grace to her advantage. I was hooked and she was reeling me in slowly, deeper and deeper underwater, my gaze locked on her, commanding my attention with every step. It was like we were the only two people in the theater and she was calling me back to her, calling me home. I couldn't take my eyes off her, and I didn't want to. She was mesmerizing.

And that's when it all fell apart. That's when the spell was broken and before I knew what was happening, she was on her back, her sobs echoing through the theater. After all her hard work, all her training and fighting through injuries, her positivity and caring, it was over. Just like that.

Regaining some clarity, we all ran to her; Kat taking her hand, me holding her head, trying to reassure her by gently stroking her face with my hands. Abigail and Ollie looking afraid for their friend, and Ben with his arms around a hysterical Grace. Hearing Tara's voice breaking through her tears... 

"I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!" It was as if time had stopped. 

Her words were like ice in my chest. They echoed over and over in my head, filling me with dread. All I could think was, what if she could never dance again? What if she could never walk again? After everything she had overcome... Not being allowed to dance on pointe, all of Abigail's attempts to sabotage her, Miss Raine's harsh treatment, Saskia breaking her back, Grace alienating her from her friends in a desperate attempt to gain some kind of self-worth, me and the way I carelessly tossed her aside after promising to always be there for her. After all that, to have her dream snatched away by a bead, a stupid little bead.  
It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair! This sweet and gentle person had only ever wanted to be a dancer and this is how that dream repaid her? By dashing every shred of hope she had of getting into the company like this? She didn't even get to finish her solo! It was as if fate had turned its back on her... just like it had on my mom. 

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of high heels marching purposefully into the room. I don't need to look up to know who they belong to. Sure enough, as I lift my head, Miss Raine stands before us. She is trying hard to hide it, but I can see the chinks in her armor. She isn't as unaffected as she pretends to be. We all rush towards her, hoping for good news. 

Unfortunately, there is none. The doctor needs to perform surgery. Tara's back is broken and there is a chance she can never walk again, let alone dance. The news hits me like a ton of bricks. Growing up skateboarding, surfing and even dancing, I guess you get used to a certain level of pain. That pain has nothing on what I am feeling right now. It takes all the strength I have to not crumble to the floor and roll myself into a ball. But everyone else is standing still so I will myself to do the same, even when all I want to do is run to her, to comfort her, tell her it's going to be alright. I want to hold her in my arms and bury my head in her hair that smells so good. She always smells so good.

Again, my attention is brought back to Miss Raine when she says we should all head back to the boarding house to get some rest and prepare for our interviews tomorrow. Interviews? Who can think about that now when Tara is going to have surgery? Not me! I am staying! I'm not leaving and no one can make me! I think defiantly. But as I catch Miss Raine's eye, I can tell it's not a suggestion but a command, and that whether I like it or not, I am going. She has her "don't you dare argue with me" face on and I swear it is just for me, like she is expecting me to put up a fight. I want to, boy do I want to, but I am just too tired, too in shock to protest. 

In the end, Kat says she will stay since she is only in second year and with as much energy as we can muster, we all say goodnight and silently leave the hospital.


	2. Chest Pains

I toss and turn all night. Despite my best efforts, sleep evades me. It's pointless. Every time I close my eyes, her face is there, burned into my eyelids. Her eyes wet with tears, her mouth screwed up into a sad, painful frown. Her brain is telling her to give up but her heart is saying it's not over yet. She's come this far, hang in there. She is torn between the two, not sure what to believe. She has never been so unsure of herself before and it frightens her. I can see it all over her face, and it frightens me too.

Giving up any feeble attempt at sleep, I decide to go for a run. Though it helps, I still can't fully focus on the task at hand. The cool night air that usually helps to clear my head does nothing to soothe me this time around. Like no matter how fast or how far I run, she is chasing me, getting closer with every step I take.

Stopping to catch my breath, I can see the opera house in the distance, and the full force of reality hits me square in the chest. She may never walk again. She may never dance. The second thought is even harder than the first. Tara not dancing is like the sky not being blue. Too unreal to comprehend. She loves dancing. She is dancing. How could I have been so selfish? How could I have resented her for being so focused on something she was so clearly meant to do? Looking back now at all those times when she had tried to help me and plan for me, and all I had done was push her away... why? 

I know why. I was jealous. Jealous and angry. Jealous that she was so driven and knew what she wanted in life. Jealous that she had so much and I had so little. That no matter how hard I tried, the Academy was never going to accept me unless I turned my back on everything I knew and was. Angry at her for trying to change me. Angry at myself for wanting to change but not knowing how. For falling into the same holes I always fell into. For clinging to a past that made it hard to see a clear future for myself, blaming Tara for my unhappiness when it was all on me.

It is moments like this when I wish he was still here. Sammy. Thinking of him, my heart contracts painfully because I know that if I could just talk to him, it would all be okay. If he was here, he would know what to do, what to say to make this pain more bearable. He would smile, crack a joke, put his arm around me, because he loved Tara as much as I do. In a different way maybe, as a sister, but he would know how I was feeling for sure. 

But he's not here. He's gone. He's dead. The last thought rips though my body and the pain I'm feeling escalates to an indescribable level. I can't breathe. I hunch over on the sidewalk, one hand clinging to my chest, and I reach out and grab the railing with the other. Why isn't he here? What did he do to deserve this? He was such an amazing person, much better than me. He understood people and didn't judge anyone, no matter how they treated him. Take Abigail for instance. She was never nice to him, constantly berated him about his dancing, and yet he still managed to get through to her... to show her there was more to life than just dancing. And me. When we first met during audition week, he wanted to be mates. He saw it even when I couldn't. It was like he knew I needed him. Not just a mate, but him specifically. He was more right than he knew.

I blink back tears as I try to right myself. I'm not far from where Sammy died so I decide to visit the spot. As I arrive, I see a fresh wreath of flowers hanging from the tree. Ollie probably. He has enough guilt over Sammy to fill Sydney Harbor. And so he should. What he said to Sammy when he was only trying to help, only trying to make Ollie better, was unforgivable. At least it was to me. If Ollie had said that to me, punches would have been thrown, but not Sammy. Even though they broke up, I knew that Sammy wouldn't hold what Ollie had said against him. Sammy was better than Ollie deserved... better than I deserved.

The sun is starting to come up as I make it back to the dorm. I walk slowly up the stairs, just starting to feel tired, my body drained from my emotional run. I swing the door to my room open, only to find Ollie still asleep and I climb up to my bunk as quietly as I can. I don't want to wake him on the chance that he will ask me where I was. Even though Ollie and I are friends, we aren't that close where I feel as comfortable talking to him as I do to some of the others, at least not yet. As my head hits the pillow, my mind finally starts to go blank and I welcome sleep with open arms.


	3. Judgement Day

I am late. The most important day of my life and I am treating it like it means nothing. Except it does. It means everything. This is the day that determines my future – the rest of my life. After the night I had, I'm lucky that I'm even awake at all. I slept after coming back, but it wasn't peaceful... far from it. Visions of Sammy and Tara swam through my mind and kept me from feeling fully rested. 

I am grateful for Ollie's text that woke me... "Where are you Reedo? You know you have to be here by 10 right?" He has my back and maybe I should start giving him more credit. He has woven his way into our group and not just because of Sammy, but because he truly is a good guy. Sure he gets a little mental at times, but who doesn't? He has some issues to work out – like how he thinks he is better than everyone even though he repeated third year – but that is normal for someone in his position. Our position. Mental is the new normal it seems.

Grabbing a clean shirt, I run my hands through my hair and race out the door, shoving my arms into the sleeves as I run down the hall. I check my phone... 9:55. I fly down the stairs and out the door, not stopping to say thanks to those who wish me luck as I rush past. Everything is a blur as I sprint to the studio. Don't blow this! This is your shot! My subconscious yells at me. I ignore it and pour all my energy into getting there on time.

As I yank open the door, I can see Ollie. He has his back to me, but as my feet pound the floor, he turns and the worry I see evaporates and a smile replaces it.

"Oy, Reedo! Nice of you to join us! You had us worried sick!" 

"Yeah mate, I didn't sleep very well last night. Thanks for the text, you're a life-saver!" Ollie reaches out his hand and I take it and then he pulls me into a hug. 

"Okay, both of you need to get a grip before I start vomiting!" Abigail says, trying to sound disgusted but failing miserably. As Ollie and I end our hug, I look at her and I can tell she is nervous. We are all that way. For more than one thing. Contracts, jobs, traveling, and of course, Tara. Even though we are here, it is easy to let our minds wander to the one who is missing, the one who can't be here even though she desperately wants to be, and who maybe even deserves it more than anyone else.

But I can't let myself go there, not yet. I am already wound so tight that if I think about her, then I will lose it completely and I have to hold it together. For everyone's sake. If I let go now, it will not be pretty. Come on man, I say to myself. Just a little bit longer, you can do this. The hallway is filled with hushed whispers and occasional sobs as the interviews conclude. As Grace goes in, I know she will be taking one of the spots, possibly Tara's spot... No! Not yet! I thought... A little bit longer! 

"She's the Prix champion! Rumors about none of us getting contracts... gaining credibility," I hear Ollie mutter to Abigail a few minutes later. What? I lift my head and look over to see Grace shaking her head and Ben wrapping his arms around her in support. She didn't get in? Then there is still hope! Hope for Tara despite her accident! I always figured Grace was a shoe-in, but perhaps her bad behavior has finally caught up with her. Perhaps Rebecca isn't interested in talent for talent's sake. Maybe there is a method to her madness. I can't wrap my head around it! Could they really take none of us? It is becoming a real possibility. My heart breaks for my friends, especially for Tara... her future was becoming hazier by the minute. Before I can think too much more, Rebecca calls me in and asks me to have a seat.

"Good morning, Christian," she says in a very polite manner. "Thank you for meeting with us today. I know these are very difficult circumstances, but nonetheless, the show must go on, as they say." She smiles kindly and offers me a glass of water, which I politely decline. 

"So," she continues, "We have been watching you very carefully over the past three years, especially this year. You got off to a rocky start, but have managed to make up all that you missed at the start of term. I must say that is very impressive. As a scholarship student, you are held to certain standards that others are not. Nothing personal, but we want to make sure that our money is being well-spent. We know you have suffered great loss during your time here and we appreciate that, and with the accident the other night, we understand if you are not entirely sure where your future lies. Have you thought about all your options Christian?"

What? All my options? I have more than one? Isn't it the company or nothing? Shouldn't she be asking me if I want to be in the company? My brain takes a minute to process her unexpected question. 

"Well, it's been a crazy few days and I honestly haven't given it much thought," I reply numbly. 

"I understand, but where do you want to be Christian? What are your long term goals?"

I barely manage to stop myself from saying her name out loud. Tara, I say in my head. I want to be with Tara. But I know that's not what she means. She means dancing. She means the company. "I want to dance. I want to be a dancer for the National Ballet Company." There, I said it. Finally. It feels good to say it. As my admission hangs in the air, I see Rebecca smile and look from me to the two others sitting on either side of her. They return her smile.

Looking back to me, her kind smile still on her face, she says, "Well that's very good to hear because we have something for you."

I inhale sharply as she slowly slides a yellow booklet across the table and waits with her hand on top until I reach out mine to take it. I did it. I got a contract with the National Ballet Company. How? When? Why? My mind races as I try to process the emotions running through me. I look up dumbly to see all three sitting across from me smiling, and I can't help but feel my heart sink, because as much as I want to leap in the air and cheer, I can't. I can't react the way they so obviously want me to, the way I want to, because I know that no matter what, I don't fully deserve this. There are others – Abigail, Ollie... Tara – who deserve it more and might not get it. 

Hit with this realization, I shove the contract in my bag, thank them and quickly make my way to the door. The others must see my scowl, because Ollie asks, "Reedo, care to share with the group?" I slowly shake my head, not meeting his gaze, and exit through the door in front of me.

The sunshine hits me as I exit the building and the floodgates open and I can feel the tears falling hot on my face. I can't help but think about Tara. She may never get her dream, and I have. I have achieved the goal of so many others and now I can live it out the way my mom always wanted. Thinking about her, I am struck by a strange thought... Is this what you want? Or is it just for your mom? Or for Tara? What do you really want Christian? The thought haunts me as I start walking, unsure of where my feet are taking me.


	4. Dream Job

Before I even know where I'm going, I find myself at Sammy's studio. I stop to take it in. The gold-plaited sign above the door, the dust that has accumulated from all the construction, Zach assembling a barre in the middle of the floor. Is this enough? Is this the only thing that Sammy will be remembered for? Are we really doing him justice with this place? When the kids come here and they see his photo on the wall, what will they think? Oh, he's just the kid someone named a studio after? Nothing else? 

For me, this is the least of his accomplishments. For me, Sammy is way more than a few ballet barres and a photo on the wall. He is my best mate. Was my best mate. Was. It's still hard to think of him as being gone because he's never far out of my mind. Apart from Tara, he has been the most present person in my life since coming to the academy. He pulled me out of my head and gave me the confidence to open up to people, to enjoy life.

I was so angry when I came to the academy. Angry at everyone and everything. I missed my mom and didn't know how I was going to survive without her. Not just because she fed and clothed me, and kept a roof over my head. She was my best friend, someone I could talk to about anything. She was always there for me, and no matter how much trouble I got into, she didn't judge me. 

Not that I was never punished... well she tried. But the punishment never quite lasted as long as she said. One week turned into one day, which turned into one hour, and before I knew it, we would be laughing about it as though it were a distant memory with me promising to do better, even though we both knew it would probably never happen. God I missed her laugh. She was such a happy person. Despite never having enough money, or not living in the best neighborhood, not having my dad around, she didn't let it get to her. Even after she got sick. Even after she knew she wouldn't get better. She was a live-in-the-moment kind of person. Like Sammy was. She loved dancing, just like he did. And I loved her. That's why I auditioned when she begged me to. To make her happy. To make up for all my mistakes. It was my chance to show her that I wasn't a total screw-up. That I could be like her. 

Now, they are both gone. I will never see them again. They are gone and I am still here and suddenly, standing in front of the building built to pay tribute to my friend, I finally realize what I want to do. It is so clear in my mind now that I can't believe it has taken me this long to figure out. It is so obvious. I think I may have sensed it before, but who comes to the Academy to be a teacher? Most only think of it as a back-up plan, not something that they really want to do. Just something to fall back on if they can't get a job dancing, or something to do after their career is over. But for me, it is all I want now.

As I come to this realization, I feel a pang of guilt course through me. Here I am with a contract to the National Ballet Company sitting in my bag, and I am just going to throw it away? What would my mom say? What would Sammy say? And worst of all... Tara? She is in the hospital where a doctor is trying his best to fix her broken back, not knowing if she can ever walk or dance again, and I'm just going to say, "No thanks? Not interested?" How can I face her once she learns the truth? That I have been offered a contract, something she would give anything to have, and I just threw it back as if it means nothing? 

Except it did mean something! It means everything! Being offered a contract means more to me than I can say, especially since it is never something I thought I would actually get. It was always talked about in some obscure way, but never as a real option. But now, standing in front of Sammy's studio, I know it isn't my dream. I had wanted it for my mom and to be able to be with Tara, but not for me. Giving kids the chance to dance and dream, to let them find out what they really want in life, is definitely worth my time. It's something I never had, which is probably why it took me this long to realize that what I want to do more than anything else is teach. This is how I would truly honor Sammy's memory. By not letting anyone forget how much he loved dancing, his family, his friends.

With this weight lifted off my chest, I breathe a sigh of relief. I have finally found my purpose, something to make me happy. This is what I want. With a sense of achievement, I take a deep breath in as I walk into the studio, knowing that there is someone inside who needs to hear my news and my decision. Here goes...


	5. Looking Back

"I finally know what I want to do... and I want to start doing it." These words echo in my head over and over as I walk to the hospital. I am walking fast because I know I've stayed at the studio longer than I should. I couldn't help it. Being there, seeing it all come together, felt better than I could have imagined. Between sweeping the floors, setting up ballet barres around the space and showing Zach a few hip hop moves, it felt good to be doing something, instead of just sitting around waiting. It was just what I needed to keep my mind off everything that was going on. But in the end, I knew I couldn't put off telling him any longer. 

As it turns out, telling Zach hadn't been as hard as I thought. He was angry at first, but once he realized how passionate I was about teaching, how much I truly appreciated everything he had done for me – standing up for me when no one else would, spending all his free time helping me make up the classes I had missed, taking me under his wing and treating me like his family – and how I wanted to be that person for someone someday, he resigned himself to the fact that nothing he could say or do would be able to change my mind. 

I could tell he was disappointed, not because he thought he had wasted his time, but because he truly believed that I could be a great dancer. It was one of the main reasons why I knew I wanted to be a teacher, to be like him. Caring. Strong. Good. Things I never believed myself to be. I was the screw-up, the disappointment, insecure and afraid to let people in. Afraid of being rejected like my dad had rejected me. Afraid of letting people down when they realized I wasn't exactly who they wanted me to be. Seriously unperfect.

But as much as I rebelled during my time at the academy, Zach was right. I always came back. Part of it was because I had nowhere else to go. Part of it was because of Tara. And part of it was because of him. He supported me, challenged me, made me feel like I could achieve anything. Be anything. He was on my side, rooting for me, filling a role that had been vacant for so long. He knew what I was going through and was there to help me overcome any obstacles I had to face. A father-figure of sorts. He never gave up on me and kept fighting for me even when he probably shouldn't have.

Knowing I have his support, I can't help feeling relieved. One down, one to go. As hard as I thought telling Zach was going to be, I know telling Tara will be much harder. Getting a contract is all she ever wanted. It is her dream. And it's a great dream! But not for me. Part of me feels like I am letting her down, but the other part knows I won't be happy in the company. For her, dancing in the back row of the corps is better than not dancing at all. I barely survived the academy, and I can't imagine the company being any easier. No, for me, teaching in Sammy's studio is the better choice. 

Maybe I won't tell her today... or for a while. She is fragile right now and who can blame her? She has fallen so far in such a short period of time. Going from being on top to possibly not even being on Rebecca's radar at all anymore. I certainly wouldn't be able to handle that, but Tara is much stronger than me. Much more hopeful. Much more determined. She has already been through so much since coming to the academy and she is still standing – well, maybe not literally – but she hasn't let all the bad stuff get to her. After everything that happened last year... after Sammy died, she didn't let it change her. Instead of falling off the deep end like I had, she used her pain to become a better dancer, a better person. Like she realized how short life really was and made a promise, to herself and to Sammy, that she wasn't going to waste it.

As I get into the elevator and push the button, I try to organize the thoughts in my head, to plan what I will say. This is the first time I was going to see Tara since she fell. I want to say the right thing and not sound like an idiot stumbling over my words. What will I say? Should I be funny or serious? Should I sit in a chair or on the bed? Should I hold her hand? I want to hold her hand, to reassure her that she is not alone, to reassure myself that she is going to be okay. Maybe I will wait for her to say something and go from there. My mind races as I try to imagine different scenarios, all the possible ways the conversation can go. 

All too soon, the doors open and my mind goes blank. I can feel my heart beating faster and faster, pounding loudly in my ears, sweat gathering on my forehead. This is it. In a few moments, I will see her, and the anticipation makes my stomach churn. I am a wreck. Pull yourself together! I tell myself. It's just Tara! But even as I think it, I know it's not true. She's never really been "Just Tara." Even before we started dating. Even before we became friends. I reach her door, and I look through the window. She is sleeping and I can't help feeling a little relieved. I decide to watch her from the hall, at least for a little while longer. She looks so peaceful and I don't want to wake her. She deserves to sleep. 

Instead, I let my mind wander to a day that seems so long ago – the first time I saw her. It was the first day of auditions. I had forgotten something in my bag and had gone back to the locker room to get it. Taking my time, I turned the corner and there she was. She had her back to me, and she was kneeling over her bag in only her bra and skirt, her shirt crumpled on the floor, completely unaware of my presence. What was she doing? Didn't she realize this was the boys’ room? I could feel a smirk spreading across my face, and stayed quiet for the time being.

As I circled around behind the cubbies, I glanced over at her as she frantically rummaged through her bag. She was thin, but not too thin. She was fit, strong, and her reddish hair looked soft, and I wondered what it would feel like to touch it. I shook my head, trying to ignore that thought. I couldn't go there. Not with her. She wasn't my type. She was exactly the opposite. Too innocent. I could tell just by looking at her. Her clothes looked hand-made and the lack of make-up on her face made her seem younger than she probably was. The girls I usually hung out with always wore make-up, too much in some cases. But she didn't need make-up. She was pretty without it. In her case, less was more. For some reason I couldn't explain, I was intrigued and I wanted to know more about her. 

Hastily, she grabbed her leotard and I decided it was time to make my presence known. 

"Don't let me stop you," I said, my words dripping with sarcasm. She spun around quickly, her leotard falling to the floor, and when she saw me, her arms shot up across her chest, trying to cover herself. 

"I have pepper spray in my bag and I'm not afraid to use it!" She shot back as she ran to duck behind a wall. 

I smirked and replied, "Well I was just standing here minding my own business-" 

"In the girls’ dressing room?" She really didn't know she was in the wrong place. 

"I'm pretty sure those are urinals in there... unless you can go standing up." Still holding her arms over her chest, she walked over and looked where I was pointing. I could see the realization hit her as her shoulders slumped and she knew she wasn't where she was supposed to be. 

"You might need this," I joked as I picked up her shirt. 

"Can you turn around please?" Her voice trembled a little, and I could tell I was making her nervous. I decided to tease her a little more. 

"So is it an attention thing?" 

"What?" 

"You know, stripping in front of strangers? Cuz that's cool, I mean, I'm sure they have support groups-" 

She cut me off again, "If you're looking, I swear I'll hurt you!" I had to try not to laugh at her empty threat. Then Ethan had come in and interrupted our little moment. She stuttered a response, shot me a dirty look and then raced out to chase after him. It all happened so fast. Before I could call out to her or say I was sorry, she was gone, leaving me with butterflies in my stomach, wondering when I would see her again.

Watching her now through the glass, I can't help but smile at the memory. It's one of my favorites of us and I wonder if Tara remembers it. If only we had known then what we know now. That we would become friends, fall in love, spend the better part of two years barely speaking to each other. Would we have done anything differently? Or would we have decided not to go through with it at all? To just be friends? I feel a familiar pull deep in my gut that I always feel when I'm around her and I know there are things I would have done differently, but that I wouldn't have been able to just be her friend. Even after I broke up with her, it was still there. I still loved her, still wanted to be with her, but I was so angry that I pushed those feelings aside and callously chose her best friend instead, not caring about how it would make Tara feel. 

Kat was cool and laid back. Her relaxed attitude calmed me and made me feel like I belonged. She didn't expect anything of me. There was no pressure. We would hang out and laugh a lot and it was easy. Don't get me wrong, we did plenty of other stuff too. There was chemistry because we were so much alike. We got each other and didn't have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. There was no awkwardness between us.

But in the end it wasn't enough. Eventually Kat started wanting more. More than just having fun and watching DVDs. More than just joking around and making out. She wanted a real relationship. She wanted feelings and emotions and she started asking questions about my childhood and other sensitive areas that I thought being with her meant I could avoid. She had never been curious about my past before. She never asked questions about my dad and never tried to fix me. But suddenly she was and I didn't know how to handle it. I thought being with her meant I could just sweep all my baggage under the rug.

Talking had been Tara's thing, not Kat's. With Tara, I had wanted to tell her about my past, but I couldn't. I was too ashamed, and it just made it clearer that we were from two different worlds. I didn't want to burden her with my problems, to taint her with my dysfunctional family. But with Kat, I felt like I shouldn't have had to talk to her about it. She should have just understood. It was, after all, the reason I was with her... so we wouldn't have to deal with all the drama. It made me realize that the love I had for her wasn't the same as what I felt for Tara. An all-consuming love that made my heart beat faster, made my palms sweat, made it seem like there was no one else, just me and her. Kat saw it too, that I was still in love with Tara, and despite all my false protests, she ended it. She did what I didn't have the strength to do.

When Kat broke up with me, I finally knew how selfish I had been. I had used her as a buffer, so I could avoid dealing with all the problems in my life, and I had ruined everything with Tara over something as silly as her looking up my dad on the internet. Instead of talking to her about how I felt, trusting her, I walked away, leaving her heartbroken. After telling her I loved her, promising her nothing would come between us, I had treated her as though she wasn't important and didn't matter at all. I blamed her for so much when all she was trying to do was help me. I just left her, thinking I'd be fine without her. But I wasn't.

Breaking up with Tara had killed me, but I was too proud to admit it. And when Saskia broke her back, it was as if the floor had fallen out from under me. The fact that she hadn't told me about it, that she had lied and said it was just a strain, made me truly understand how much I had hurt her, how much pain I had caused her. She should have been able to come to me, to tell me what that horrible woman had done to her. All I wanted to do was comfort her, to say I was sorry, to take it all back and start over. But it was too late. The way she had looked at me, the way she had talked to me, proved that it was over. She had lost faith in me, and there was no way she could confide in me now.

Instead, she told Ben. He was there for her, unlike me, and even though they were only friends at the time, he listened and gave her what she needed. A shoulder to cry on. Someone she could talk to about anything. It used to be me. She used to tell me everything, but not anymore, and it was all my fault. She was better off without me.

The problem was, I wasn't better off without her. I didn't realize how much I would miss her – her sweetness, her kindness, her goodness, her ability to see the best in everyone, especially me. She wasn't like the others, who seemed more than happy to leave me to my internal angst. She was different, special. Somehow more in tune with the world and those around her. It was a subtle gift that often went unnoticed because she didn't flaunt it or use it for her own personal gain, which often lead to her being taken for granted. I definitely had done that. I didn't deserve her and she deserved way better than me. She deserved to be happy.

For a while, it seemed she was. She had Ben and everything was all sorted out. Even though it hurt to see them together, I knew Ben was the better option for her. He was kind like she was, and thoughtful and he really cared about her. His loyalty and genuine desire to help her made him good for her. And eventually, they became more than just friends. Another blow to my ego. To think that I had had everything and I just threw it away, without giving it a second thought. Watching them kiss at the ice rink shattered any hope I had of being with her again. It made me feel truly alone, more so than I had ever felt. But if she was happy, then it was worth it. She had certainly suffered because of me, so now I guessed it was my turn.

That was why I chose not to go back at the beginning of third year. I knew that if I went back, Tara would be waiting, and I wouldn't be able to stay away. Out of all my friends, she had been the most persistent, texting and calling me, leaving me voicemails in her signature upbeat voice, maybe hoping that eventually, I would either answer or call her back. But I couldn't. If I did, if I talked to her, she would have known how miserable I was. How much I missed everyone. How much I wanted to come back and I didn't want her to know how far I'd fallen.

So I stayed with Raf, blowing off school and hanging with a group of kids who were the exact opposite of my friends from the academy, hoping it would satisfy my desperate need to belong. But it didn't work. It wasn't the same. They couldn't fill that void and it took Tara's visit to make me see that. Seeing her in Raf's garage brought back everything I had been trying to forget all summer: losing Sammy, feeling guilty for not being able to save him, the pain of walking away from Tara after the Prix when all I wanted was to be with her. Which is why, in the end, I decided to go back. As much as I tried to deny it, I needed her, and part of me hoped she still needed me too.

Suddenly, I am brought back to reality by a voice I know all too well. "That door's not going to open itself, you know!" I turn my head to see Kat walking towards me, a cup of coffee in one hand and her phone in the other. She has changed her clothes from the night before but I can tell that she hasn't slept much. She is smiling but I can hear the annoyance in her voice. 

I put on my best casual smile and ask, "Hey Kat, how's she doing?" 

I try to stay calm, hoping she won't see how worried I am that Tara's surgery didn't go well.

"She's fine," she says curtly. "Where have you been Christian? Didn't your interview end hours ago? Everyone else has come and gone, and you're just getting here now? I thought you would have been the first to visit her, and instead you're the last. She's been waiting for you." 

The hurt in her voice is palpable. There are tears in her eyes, and I know that Kat had been waiting for me too. To test me. To see if I am worthy of her best friend's attention. I can't blame her. After everything I have put them through the last couple of years, it is a miracle they are still talking to me at all.

"I'm sorry Kat. I didn't mean to make her wait. I went to see Zach. He was working in Sammy's studio and I started helping. I guess I lost track of time," I say with as much sincerity as I can. It's the truth. Being in the studio had made me feel safe and protected from the reality of what happened the night before. It felt like home, which only cemented the fact that I was making the right decision. 

But I can't tell Kat about getting a contract. Or about turning it down to be a teacher. Not yet. Tara needs to know first. She must believe me, because I can see the anger leave her face. She has never been very good at staying mad at me.   
She smiles, rolls her eyes and replies, "Well I guess there's no time like the present! I'll give you some privacy..." And with that, she turns around and walks back down the hall.

Turning back to Tara's door, I know what I have to do. I have to tell her. I can't put it off. No matter how long I wait, it is not going to be easy. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Then I reach up my hand, push open the door and walk into the room.


	6. Resolution

As the door closes behind me, I quietly walk over to the bed. There isn't any room for me, so I begrudgingly settle for the chair. I set my bag down on the floor and maneuver the chair as close to Tara as I can. She is still sleeping and I can't help but stare. She is so beautiful, even just lying there. It's an understated beauty that can be missed so easily, but once you notice it, it stays with you no matter what. For some reason, I expect her to look different, but even after everything she's been through, her fall and the surgery, she looks the same.

I gently lean on the bed and put my head in my hands, trying to keep my emotions in check. She may look the same, but I know she isn't. I can see the worry creased between her eyebrows, her mouth turned down in a frown, as if she is being haunted by the tragic events of last night. I lift my head when I hear her mutter something softly and it reminds me of the last time I watched her sleep. 

On the last night of tour, I couldn't shake the feeling that I should go see her, that she was waiting for me. Walking over to her room, I knew I had to be careful. I had no right to expect anything after how I had treated her, but I couldn't help wondering about her. She had been acting strangely ever since she had come back from her "rehearsal" with Ben, and I needed to know why. 

I tried not to get my hopes up. I tried telling myself that I was just going to see her as a friend, but I knew that wasn't true. I was going to see her to tell her that I still loved her, that I wanted to be with her. I wanted to hold her and feel her heart beating against my chest. I knew it was selfish to want something I had so carelessly thrown away last year, that coming back to her after all this time wasn't fair, but I couldn't ignore it and hoped that she felt the same way. 

I hesitantly knocked on her door and when she answered, my heart fell to the floor. Her eyes were puffy and red and tears were streaming freely down her cheeks. It broke my heart. She began to close the door and told me go away, but I had to know what was wrong. I pushed the door open, blocking any attempt for her to shut me out. 

"What happened? Are you okay?" I asked, as if I didn't already know. 

"No!" She shot back angrily, her sobs catching in her throat. "I'm just sick of it... I keep thinking, when is this going to stop because I want so much to be rid of you! It was all I could think about during that ceremony." 

Her words were like knives in my chest. Seeing her in this state, hearing the pain in her voice, knowing that pain was my fault, made it hard for me to stand there and not pull her into my arms, to comfort her. It was all I wanted to do, but I knew she wouldn't want me to. She needed space, so I fought the urge, hoping I would get a chance later on, and instead asked her a question that I was afraid to hear the answer to. 

"Did it work?" The small shake of her head was all I needed, all I could have hoped for. It meant that there was still a chance. To make up for being such a jerk. To go back to the way things were before I ruined everything. 

She was still crying so I offered her my handkerchief, and watched as she took it and blew her nose in a very unladylike manner, a smile spreading across both of our faces. When she asked me to come in, I felt relieved that she had changed her mind about having me leave. As she scrambled to tidy up, I looked down and saw an item of clothing lying on the floor that I recognized instantly. The bra that she had been wearing in the boys’ locker room on the day we met. I smiled, bent over and picked it up. 

"The original training bra... we meet again," I said, proud of my clever remark, and couldn't keep myself from laughing as her eyes widened with embarrassment as she hurried to grab it out of my hand and stuff it into her bag.

That night went better than I could have imagined. We laughed and joked, an easy camaraderie settling between us. It was like old times and I felt closer to her than I had in a long time. Even when the conversation turned serious, there was no place I would have rather been than there with her. She smiled sadly, held my hand in hers, because she knew what I was going through, why it had been so hard for me to come back at the beginning of the year. I could see the understanding and love in her eyes as we silently lay on the bed. Eventually, she closed her eyes, seeming to doze off and I was left alone with my thoughts. Just as I was about to reach over and brush the back of my hand across her cheek, she spoke. 

"Christian?" As she said my name in her dreamy state, I could feel the muscles in my stomach tighten. It was remarkable that after all this time, she still had such a profound effect on me. 

"Yeah?" Was all I could manage to say. 

"I love you too."

That was all it took to snap me back to reality, erasing the magic of that amazing night. After waiting to hear those words for so long, dreaming about what it would be like, what would happen when she said them, they had the opposite effect on me than I thought they would. I thought they would give me a sense of peace and security, reassuring me that what we were doing was right. But instead, they made me realize that it wasn't right. Not because our feelings weren't real or because we weren't meant to be together, but because we weren't together. She was with Ben. Despite how Tara and I felt about each other, it wasn't fair to him for me to be here, gazing at her, yearning for her touch. It should be him. 

It reminded me of when Tara and Ethan were dating and I had come between them by not being able to control myself. I should have been strong enough to resist, to not let my feelings get the better of me. I had been able to do that with everything else, but not with her. I hadn't been fair to her. I made her look like the bad guy when it was all me. But if I hadn't tried to kiss her that night in the park, if I had just let the moment pass, maybe we never would have kissed on the beach or started dating and I couldn't think about that. Even though we weren't together anymore, being with Tara had been one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Still, our timing could have been better. 

Which is why, lying next to her that night, I knew I had to leave. Not because I wanted to, but because it was what was best for her. When she was with Ethan, I had only been thinking of myself, what I had wanted. And it had blown up in my face. But I wasn't going to make that mistake again. This time, I had to think about her. What she needed. When we had been together, all we ever did was fight about everything. Life, dancing, the future. We could never catch a break. And that's why, coming to that painful realization, I had slowly sat up, took one last long look at her, and silently walked out of the room.

Leaving her that night was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I knew I had to. For her. She wouldn't understand it, I certainly didn't, but I knew it was for the best. All I had ever brought her was unhappiness. Ben gave her what she needed. With him, she was free and able to enjoy life and didn't have to worry about whether she was doing or saying the wrong thing. He was easy going and laid back, where I was insecure and had trouble letting people in. I couldn't help feeling jealous. Not just because he was with Tara, but because he knew how to get through to her and what to say to make her smile. With Ben, she was happy. 

So I pushed her away yet again. I made her believe it was all in her head, that I didn't feel the same way she did. When we talked at the lockers and she tried to commend me for giving up Romeo, I had to stop her. So I snapped at her, erasing her kindness with my coldness. I could see the pain in her eyes as my cruel words hit their mark. I could see the wheels turning in her head, wondering what she had done wrong. It made me sick, but I had to do it. I had to let her think that there wasn't a chance for us to get back together, that her feelings were one-sided. If she thought for one second that I still wanted to be with her, that I still loved her, she would come rushing back without hesitation. It was the only way I knew how to protect her.

But despite all my best efforts, she broke up with Ben. Part of me was overjoyed because it meant that she really did love me. The other part was scared because I knew she would be looking to me, to gauge my reaction, to see how I would take it. That's why I didn't react. Seeing her after she had broken up with him backstage, the way her shoulders slumped and the shocked look on her face after Ben told us both to stay away from him, all I wanted to do was hug her. Tell her that I was there for her, that it was going to be okay. But I didn't, because I knew if I did, it would open the same door I was trying so desperately to slam shut.

In the end, it didn't work. As much as I tried to stay away, I knew no one would ever compare to her. She was it for me and as I watched her dance at the festival with Ben, I couldn't believe how stupid I had been, how easily I had given up my role to him. All for some crazy idea that she deserved better. Don't get me wrong, she definitely did, but I guess that's not how love works. Whether it made sense or not, Tara loved me and I loved her and if I kept throwing that away, then eventually, I would run out of chances to tell her how I really felt. It hadn’t worked out with Ben, but next time I might not be so lucky and the thought of her with someone else was too painful for me to think about.

Lifting my head from my hands, I think about all of the times I've pushed Tara away. All the times that we had disagreed on something and I had used it as an excuse to hurt her. There are too many to count. Maybe there's just too much history, too much baggage. Even after trying to make it easier by coming up with rules to follow, we decided we were better off as friends. My head knows it was the right decision, but my heart still believes there's a chance for us to end up together. And maybe there is, but not now, not for a while. I just got her back. We are finally friends again and before I can even begin to think of the possibility of anything else, I need to prove that I will be there for her when, for so long, I wasn't. That she can depend on me. That I won't let her down. No matter what. I know that if there is any hope of being with Tara in the future, she needs to be able to trust me again.


	7. Telling Tara

Before I can stop myself, I reach over and place my hand on top of hers, gently rubbing it with my thumb. Her skin is soft against mine and it makes me realize how much I've missed her the last few weeks. Between classes and audition prep, we really haven't seen that much of each other. At least now we're friends again. We've hashed out all our issues and can actually have a conversation without any awkwardness. 

But even though being friends has been great, it isn't the same. Being her friend hasn't stopped me from wanting to be with her or stopped my heart from beating loud and fast whenever I'm around her. It hasn't stopped me from imagining what it would be like to kiss her again, to feel her lips on mine. If anything, it's made me want her more. And even though I've tried so hard to banish these thoughts from my mind, to ignore the butterflies in my stomach when she's near, I can't. No matter how hard I try, those feelings are still there, threatening to break free at any moment. But I have to be fair to her. I have to respect her wishes. Just friends, at least for now. She must feel my hand on hers, because her eyes flutter open and instantly lock on mine. A smile spreads wide across her face, and I am again struck by how beautiful she is. 

"Christian, you're here! What took you so long?" Her words are playful, but I can hear the teasing behind them, as if she wasn't sure I would actually come to visit her.

I smile back, intertwine my fingers in hers and say, "Hey there, Training Bra. How was your nap?" 

She laughs and answers, "It was fine. I'm sure I'll be taking longer ones when I start my physical therapy. It's been tiring enough just with the doctors and nurses poking and prodding me all day!" 

What? Physical therapy already? So soon after her surgery? They sure don't waste any time. 

She must see the concern on my face because she tries to reassure me by adding, "Don't worry Christian. They're going to give me a few days to recover before I start. The doctors are just curious to see how I'm healing so far. They've been squeezing it in here and there when I haven't had visitors."

A pang of guilt runs through me as Kat's words from before echo in my head. She's been waiting for you. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up from surgery," I say, hoping she can see how much I mean it. "I wanted to be." She squeezes my hand tenderly and I can feel the warmth of her touch spreading through my whole body. 

"It's okay Christian. I knew you were coming. You've had a lot to deal with the last couple of days. Kat was so mad though. She couldn't believe you weren't breaking down the doors to get in! It took a while to calm her down."

"Sounds like Kat to me," I reply with a smirk, remembering the not-so-warm-welcome she gave me out in the hallway. She laughs again, louder this time, then lets go of my hand and tries to sit up. I jump up from my chair to help, grabbing a spare pillow and placing it behind her. 

"Are you sure you should be doing that? You don't want to hurt yourself," I say quickly, unable to hide the panic in my voice.  
She pushes herself up, rolls her eyes and replies, "It's fine Christian, the doctor says I can move around a little. Besides, I'm loaded up on painkillers so I can't feel anything anyway. Stop being a mother hen." 

Her dig at me erases some of my worry and we both laugh. Farm humor. Of course she would go there. It's good to hear her laughing. The sound calms me as I sit back down and gives me hope that she can overcome this obstacle that has been placed so unfairly in front of her. 

As our laughter subsides, an awkward silence replaces it. She smiles shyly and avoids my stare while smoothing out her sheets. I know that she wants to ask me about my interview, but she doesn't want to seem nosy or pushy. 

Instead she asks nervously, "So where were you? Are you okay?" Subtlety has never been Tara's strong suit. I can see right through her. She's not the only one who is good at reading people. She may know me inside and out, but it goes both ways. She is an open book and has never been very good at hiding her emotions. 

This is the moment I've been dreading since I left my interview. My heart starts pounding loudly again and I rub my sweaty palms on my jeans. Trying to decide how to tell her, I lean back in my chair as casually as I can. Hoping to hide my nerves, I say in a knowing tone, "It's okay Tara, you can ask me." Her eyes shoot up, then away. 

She shrugs her shoulders, her cheeks reddening slightly. "Ask you what? I just want to know how you're doing," she says, trying to be nonchalant. Liar, liar pants on fire, I call her out in my head, but I decide to go with it. If she wants to play hard to get, let's see how long she can last. 

"Oh, I'm fine. I was just with Zach at Sammy's studio. We spent a couple of hours cleaning up the space and working on our hip hop moves. He's not bad-" 

"He can't be any worse than me," she blurts out, cutting me off. After a beat, she adds, "So... that's it? Nothing else?" 

I can tell she's trying to trick me into voluntarily giving up my news, but I'm not biting. I want her to ask me, to say the words. I can tell she's starting to crack, but she's fighting it. She wants to win this game just as badly as I do. She's stronger than most people give her credit for, but I can take her. I'm just as stubborn as she is and watching her squirm is too much fun. 

"No that's about it. Oh, actually, there is one other thing," I tease and a look of excitement spreads across her face.

"What is it?" I have to bite my cheek so I won't laugh. She's practically drooling. 

"Zach told me to say hi and that he hopes to see you soon." 

And just like that, her smile vanishes and she murmurs sullenly, "Oh that's nice of him. Tell him I say thanks."

We sit there for a few more minutes in silence. She looks at me, I look at her. The tension is thick but I keep calm because I know it won't be long now. 

Sure enough, she takes a deep breath in, rolls her eyes and says in exasperation, "Oh for heaven’s sake Christian! Just tell me already!" 

Yes! I cheer triumphantly in my head. Gotcha! She is a mess and I can't help but revel in my victory just a little. "Tell you what Training Bra?" I ask, putting on the best innocent face I can manage. It doesn't work because she reaches over, slaps my arm.

"Don't you give me that fake innocent look Christian Reed! You know what I mean! Did you get a contract or not?" Her piercing green eyes blaze into mine and I'm so nervous that it's hard for me to breathe. This is really it. I am all out of excuses. I've stalled long enough. Now I have to just man-up and tell her.

Not knowing what to say or how to say it, I silently reach down into my bag like I did with Zach, grab my contract and pull it out, placing it in her lap. She inhales sharply, takes my hand in hers and uses the other to flip to the page with my name on it, tracing over the print with her fingers. 

"I knew it. I knew you would get a contract." Her voice is soft and low, but I can hear her certainty. When she looks at me, there are tears in her eyes. "I'm so proud of you Christian! This is amazing!" She continues to flip through the pages excitedly, but when she gets to the last page, her eyebrows furrow in confusion. Here it comes. 

"Wait, why haven't you signed it yet?" She tries not to sound judgmental but I can hear the edge in her voice.

What do I do? No matter how much I've prepared myself for this moment, she's not going to take it well. I just need a little more time! I throw on my signature smirk and roll my eyes in playful exasperation. 

"I just got it today Training Bra! Give me some time to let it sink in!" She grins sheepishly, embarrassed by her boldness, and her cheeks redden again. 

"Oh, right. Sorry." She laughs at first, then suddenly her smile fades and is replaced by a more serious look. "But you are going to sign it, right? Once you've had a chance to enjoy it a little more." She wants to be supportive but I can tell she isn't convinced. She's done it again. She's seen right through me and her anxious stare makes me wish I could disappear, but I guess it's now or never.

I tighten my hold on her hand, breathe in deeply, look her straight in the eye and say gently, "Look, Tara, the last couple of weeks have been so crazy. With classes, auditions... your accident... there hasn't been much time to think about things. It's like we've simply been going through the motions; blindly following some sort of pre-determined path with no way of knowing how everything would work out."

I stop, unsure of what to say next. She eyes me uncertainly, and I feel as though my heart will explode out of my chest.  
Keeping my eyes locked on hers, I tentatively say, “I thought the company was what I wanted, but it's not. I thought getting a contract would solve all my problems, but I was wrong. I wanted it for all the wrong reasons. I wanted it for my mom, to live up to all the expectations she had for me, to make up for causing so much trouble when I was a kid. I wanted it for Sammy. He fought so hard for me during first year and was always there for me. I didn't want to let him down. And I wanted it for you. I wanted you to be proud of me, to show you that I had changed, that I deserved you. I spent so much time at the academy wasting all the chances I had and I thought that getting a contract would prove that I had become a better person. I was trying so hard to make everyone else happy that I wasn't thinking about what would make me happy-" 

"And what is that Christian?" She cuts me off, letting go of my hand and I can see the anger burning in her eyes. "What's going to make you happy? That whole speech you gave before about doing whatever it takes to get in the company! If you didn't mean it, why bother saying it because now it just feels like you were lying to me this whole time!" The bitterness in her voice makes me cringe. She's struggling to keep calm, searching for the right thing to say. 

"I know I can't tell you what to do. Of course I want you to be happy, but to throw away this huge opportunity without even thinking it through makes it hard to believe you've changed at all! It's the old Christian all over again! Running away from the hard stuff. Taking the easy way out by hiding and pushing your friends away, shutting everyone out! Do you have any idea what some of us would give to be in your shoes? To have what you have? All the others in our year who didn’t get a contract, who worked so hard and came up short? Who sacrificed everything for their dream? Have you thought about them at all?”

Even though I expect her anger, it still catches me off-guard. It still hurts to hear everything she says. Because it's true. I drop my gaze as I try to process everything she has said. I know that she isn’t really concerned for the other students in our year. She's talking about herself. Her dream. Her hard work. Her sacrifice. And she’s right. Compared to her, I have done nothing to deserve a contract. I have done the bare minimum where she has given so much of herself. And she has certainly paid the price. Her lying in a hospital bed is proof of that. If I was in her shoes, if I had endured everything she had, who knows where I would be! She has every right to be upset! At me or anyone else. I know I have disappointed her, let her down yet again, but I have to make her see that what I’m choosing is the best for me. That this time, it's not about taking the easy way out or running away. It's about so much more. It's about finding my place in the world, doing something that is important to me. Taking pride in my abilities and enjoying life instead of just surviving it. 

"Tara-" 

"I think you should leave."

"What? Why?" 

"Because I want to be alone. Is that okay with you?" 

"Tara," I try again.

"Goodbye Christian."

I can tell she's holding back tears as she leans back against her pillow and avoids my stare. As upset as I knew she'd be, I thought she would at least hear me out. She hasn't even given me a chance to tell her about teaching in Sammy's studio, to show her how excited I am about finding something meaningful to do with my life. 

All I want to do is shake her, yell at her, hold her in my arms and reassure her that it will be okay, that everything will work out. That just because she is in here, it doesn't mean her life is over. She has so much to look forward to and the fact that she can't see that makes me so angry! Not at her, but at the world, for playing this cruel trick on her. For getting her hopes up and then smashing them to pieces before she even got a chance to show anyone what she is really capable of! 

Keeping my eyes on her, I stand up from my chair, silently willing her to turn to me, to reconsider and beg me to stay. But she doesn't. She continues to stare at the wall and I know it's time to bow out gracefully. I know that nothing more can be said for now. She is too upset. I need to give her time to process our conversation, so I reluctantly take my contract and shove it back in my bag. 

"I'm sorry Tara," I say softly, fighting tears of my own. I slowly make my way to the door, stopping at the last minute to look back at her. She is still looking at the wall, denying me yet again. I pull the door open and leave without another word.


	8. Voices

As I walk back down the hallway towards the elevator, my head is still spinning from how quickly the tables have turned. One minute we're joking with each other, the mood light and easy, and the next thing I know, Tara is kicking me out! How did I let that happen? How did I let things get so out of control? It wasn't supposed to be like this. I knew she would be angry, but not angry enough to ask me to leave. I should have been able to make her see, to have her understand that I was making the right choice. Instead, all I did was cause her more pain. I made her even more miserable than she already was.

Before I can push the button, the elevator dings and when the doors open, I find myself face to face with the last person I expected to see. Saskia. Saskia Duncan. The youngest principal dancer in the history of the company. But that's not all she is. She's so much more. She is the one who started this whole thing. The reason why Tara is here in the first place. She made this mess even worse than it might have been otherwise. Seeing her only adds to my annoyance. 

My blood boils. How dare she come here? After all the damage she's done, for her to be visiting Tara as if nothing bad had happened between them! Does she have any idea how horrible what she did was? Taking advantage of someone who looked up to her, admired her, wanted to be just like her! Crushing her spirit, telling her she was never going to be good enough! Making her feel worthless and small! Blaming Tara for all her problems and taking out all her anger on her.

Like you did? A voice echoes in the back of my mind. Didn't you do the same thing? What makes her any worse than you? Before I can process my thoughts, she looks up and smiles as though she is happy to see me.

"Christian! How are you? How's Tara doing?" She fumbles with her bag as she steps out of the elevator. "I've been trying so hard to get here all day but, you know, glorious life of a company dancer... never enough hours in the day-" 

I can't stop myself from snapping at her. "I thought they let you go!"

Her smile falters a little, and she stutters, “Well, n-nothing has been finalized yet. I've appealed my situation and the board has been thinking things over the past couple of weeks-" 

"But it's not like you've had rehearsals or anything else that would make it hard to visit. Why are you even here Saskia?" I have to ask the question because it doesn't make any sense. Why is she here? I ask again in my head. This time her smile vanishes completely. We stand there eyeballing each other for a moment. She has to know what I think of her. She can't think that I have forgotten all the trouble she caused last year. That I would ever want to be her friend.

Eventually she recovers and asks, a confused look on her face, "I'm sorry Christian did I do something to offend you?"  
Yes! I shout loudly in my head. You broke Tara's back! You treated her like dirt and didn't care how much you hurt her! She looked up to you and all you did was make her feel like a failure! 

"No not at all," I say sarcastically, not really caring if I'm being rude. I don't want to be here anymore and she is in my way. Between my disastrous visit with Tara and this uncomfortable conversation, I would rather be in Sammy's studio scrubbing the floors with a toothbrush. 

"Ok well... I should go see Tara," she says slowly. "But you take care Christian." She eyes me warily as she walks past, as though she expects me to shout at her again. 

I think about it but instead reply dryly, "Yeah, you too." I watch her as she walks towards Tara's room. She goes in and I can't help my curiosity. I follow her, stopping just before I reach the door. Listening in, I can hear muffled laughter through the door. What? Tara was just crying and now she's laughing with Saskia as if everything is okay? What could Saskia have possibly said to make Tara so happy? Why would she even want to see Saskia? I know they were working together on Tara's audition piece, but have they gotten close to the point where Saskia is visiting her in the hospital?

Fire burns inside me. I can't put into words what I am feeling. You're jealous, the voice says again. I ignore it. Jealous? Of Saskia? I may be a lot of things, but I'm definitely not jealous! Well, maybe a little. But can you blame me? I'm stuck out here while Saskia is in there monopolizing the only person I want to be with right now. It should be me in there laughing with her and making her feel better. Not Saskia. Listening to them talk and joke, all I want to do is go in there and make Tara listen to what I have to say. But what good would it do? She obviously doesn't want to see me because if she did, she wouldn't have kicked me out in the first place. I had my chance and I blew it. I shouldn't have told her. I should have waited. Told her I hadn't decided yet. Yeah, like that would have worked. Reluctantly, I head back to the elevators. 

As I exit the hospital, I feel the breeze on my face and it helps me see things a little more clearly. I realize how hard it must have been for Tara to hear me tell her that I was turning down my contract with the company. She would give anything to dance for the company. I wish I could be like that. I want to want company, but I don't. Not even for her. And I would do anything for her. I would give anything for her to be happy. She deserves it, more than anyone else. Especially me. I wanted to tell her that. If only she had given me the chance. My decision feels incomplete, knowing that I don't have Tara's approval, unable to persuade her that my decision is for the best. Her approval means everything to me, as though it will help me make sense of the way things have turned out. 

But if she wants to be left alone, then that's what I'll do. No visits. No texts. No nothing. The more I think about it, the better it sounds. A part of me knows I'm being stupid, but I don't care. Maybe this just friends thing is for the best after all.

With this thought running through my mind, I am determined to see it through. I can only hope that I am strong enough - or stubborn enough, at least - not to give in. Maybe some time apart will be good. It will let us focus on our own lives without worrying about how our decisions will affect each other. She has a long uphill battle ahead of her and it will probably be a lot easier without all our drama getting in the way. And if I'm serious about my career, I can't afford to have any distractions. It won't be easy to convince the academy to hire me, so if I want this then I have to show them that nothing is going to stop me from being the best. There's more at stake than just Tara and me. Some things are more important. They have to be. If we want a future together, then we have to take care of the present first. 

Good luck with that, the voice adds smugly. You've never been able to stay away from her in the past. 

"Oh yeah?" I say defiantly. "Watch me."


	9. Missing Piece

I am on stage and at first, I’m alone. It's dark and I can't see anything. I call out again and again, but no one answers. Then I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn and she's there, a bright light shining in the darkness. She reaches up to wrap her arms around me and I return her embrace, pulling her close. Her scent overwhelms me as I breathe her in. It is a soft floral fragrance that reminds me of happier times – when Sammy was still alive, when Tara and I were still together. She is wearing a white dress and her hair hangs loosely over her shoulders. She moves effortlessly as I dip her back, and then lift her into the air as if she weighs no more than a feather. We dance, easily anticipating what the other is going to do next. Step, lift, spin. We are perfect. We let go of each other's hand and I quickly erase the distance between us, reaching up to hold her face in my hands. Her eyes are full of desire, much like my own. 

We lean towards each other until our lips meet. My heart thumps loudly in my chest and I can feel myself tightening the hold I have on her. I kiss her slowly at first, but the more she responds – moving her body closer to mine, wrapping her arms securely around me – the deeper the kiss becomes. I don't want this to end. Nothing else matters. No one else exists. There's only her. It's always been her. She is everything. I can feel her melting slowly into me and I am overcome by the sudden need to protect her, to keep her safe from everything that she has been through, all that she has suffered. We reluctantly pull back and I lean my forehead against hers and close my eyes, unsure of what my next step should be. 

"Christian..." The shakiness of her voice pulls me out of my thoughts and I can see she is just as anxious as I am. I don't know what to do. There are tears in her eyes and I reach up with my thumb to catch one as it rolls down her cheek. 

"What's wrong Tara?" I ask no longer caring about the steps. All I care about, all I can think about, is her. 

"Why did you leave me?"

Before I can answer, I am jolted awake. I call out her name, reaching for her blindly in the darkness. When I realize where I am, that it was only a dream, I glance over at the clock. 6:00am. Groaning, I lie back down and try to catch my breath. I can still smell her. I can still feel the warmth of her lips on mine. It makes me wish that she is really here next to me, to hold me, to tell me everything is going to be alright. Stop it, I scold myself, but it doesn't work. It doesn't make it any better. I roll over, trying to fall back to sleep, struggling to ignore the emptiness her absence has left behind.

After lying there for a while, I accept the fact that sleep isn't going to happen, so I slowly push back the covers and swing my legs over the side of the bed. My muscles are still sore from yesterday's classes. Who knew teaching would be so tiring? I expected it when I was at the academy, but not now. It's been four months since graduation, but it still hasn't fully sunk in. I am a teacher. Associate Instructor technically, but that doesn’t mean anything to me. Titles and accolades have never mattered much in my eyes. Not at the academy and not now. All that matters is that I get to do what I love. 

Yes, I love it. More than anything I’ve ever done before in my life. It’s more than I could have asked for, more than I deserve. But what’s done is done. Being a teacher, working with the kids that have been coming to class, seeing how much progress they’ve made, knowing that I've had a hand in it, has made me more willing to accept the opportunities I have been given. It's reassured me that this is what I am meant to do. Fair or not, deserving or not, I’ve been able to stop feeling sorry for myself and just be grateful for what I have. This job has given me the confidence to enjoy life and not worry about every little thing, knowing that I am making a difference, being there for kids who have nowhere else to go. 

And I have friends. With the pressure of the academy gone, we’ve all been able to get to know each other better and realize that we actually like each other. We haven’t had to force anything like we did in the past. It's a lot easier to be friends with someone when you're not competing for the same prize. We deserve that. We worked so hard and it’s paid off. Now we can enjoy the freedom that all our hard work has given us. Not that there’s a ton of freedom. Between me teaching in Sammy's studio, Ollie and Abigail being so busy with the company and Kat traveling between auditions to promote her movie, Ben dancing in the states and Grace going on her journey of self-discovery, we haven't really all been together since graduation. It makes the times we do see each other mean more. Not to sound cheesy, but it's true. We've all come into our own. I guess you can say we've grown up. 

As I make my way into the kitchen, I flip on the light and head straight for the coffee. I can already tell that today will require a lot of caffeine. Then I fumble through the cabinets, trying to decide what to have for breakfast, trying to distract myself from the lingering remnants of my dream. They started just after our third year tour and they’re always the same. They had stopped for a while but now they’re back, haunting me, waking me up at all hours of the night, making it hard for me to stick to my decision. 

Even though I've seen Tara since the hospital, it's always been awkward. After working everything out, coming to some sort of truce, we’re right back where we started. It hasn’t been easy, especially at the few get-togethers we’ve been able to squeeze into our crazy schedules – a dinner to celebrate graduating from the academy, a going away party for Grace and Ben. I could feel her watching me as I talked with the others, see her starting to edge over towards me. But if she ever got too close, I would always find some reason to leave. Whether it was for some appointment or because I had an early class the next day. Whatever it took to keep my distance, to keep her at arm’s length.

I know I’m being stupid but I don't have a choice. If I let her back in, I know what it will lead to. It’s inevitable. Fighting, heartbreak, unhappiness. I don't want to disappoint her again. The look on her face when I told her I was giving up the company, that I was choosing something different, is still burned in my brain. I can still see the pain, I can still feel her eyes on me, questioning why I was throwing everything away. It hurt to see her so sad when all I wanted was for her to be happy. I still do, which was why I’ve been ignoring her calls and texts. I’ve given in before and we still weren’t able to figure out a way to be together. We had still ended it because going back and forth between dating and not dating got tiring after a while. I had hated it and I could only imagine how hard it had been for her. And with all that she's going through now, her injury and rehab, not being able to dance in the company, she doesn't need any extra stress in her life.

I take a granola bar from the cabinet and throw it in my bag. Then I fill a to-go mug with coffee. Even though class isn't until 10, I like to get there early to warm up and run through my schedule for the day. It helps me prepare and gets me into the right frame of mind. And as much as I love teaching, I don't get to dance as much as I used to, so I try to sneak it in when I can either before or after classes.

Grabbing my stuff, I head for the door. Before I get there, I trip and almost go flying. Once I regain my balance, I look down to see Ollie’s bag lying in the middle of the floor. I can only roll my eyes and sigh. He is hopeless. No matter how many conversations and near-death experiences there have been over the last few months, it hasn't seemed to have any impact. Whether it’s because he was too tired after a late-night rehearsal or he meant to move it and forgot. He always has an excuse for everything, leaving me to clean up after him. If only I had known what I was getting myself into. Not that it would have made a difference because even between the two of us, it hasn't exactly been easy street. Dance instructor and corps de ballet aren't exactly high-paying jobs and we haven't wanted to take advantage of his parents’ generosity too much. They’ve already helped us out more than necessary. And with our different schedules, we can go days without even seeing each other. We seem to communicate more through texts than anything else. 

Kicking his bag aside, I walk out the door and head for the studio. The sun is just coming up over the building. It's been raining for the last few days and it feels good to see the sun again. I don't have a long walk but it's long enough to let my thoughts wander back to Tara. It's been a few weeks since the last time I saw her but it's not a day I will easily forget...

I had a meeting with Zach. I walked up the stairs to his office, the one that used to belong to Miss Raine, and as I turned the corner, I heard a laugh I would recognize anywhere. My heart began pounding loudly in my chest. I couldn't breathe. What was she doing here? Why was she in Zach's office? I stopped short of the door, trying to compose myself. Taking a deep breath, I walked in, hesitating at the door until he saw me. 

“Christian! I'm so glad you could make it! Come on in and have a seat. Tara and I were just catching up.” Zach greeted me warmly, extending his hand which I shook firmly. He was in a good mood, even more so than usual. What was he up to? I looked warily over at Tara and she gave me a nervous smile as I sat down next to her, putting my bag on the floor. It had been a while since I'd been in this room. Working with Zach every day meant I usually didn't need to make appointments to see to him. I could just do it at the studio without any of the formalities. Besides, my memories of this office weren’t the best. Between being dragged in here to talk about my poor class performance as a student and when I had come back late at the beginning of third year, it wasn’t exactly my favorite place to be.

As much of a home as Sammy’s studio was, this place was the opposite. It reminded me of how scattered I had been, how unsure I was about my future. I never felt like I had belonged at the academy, an outsider with no hope of fitting in. Still, I was grateful, especially when I had almost ruined everything by not coming back after Sammy died. Why they had let me come back, I had no idea. I guessed that Zach had a lot to do with it. He never knew when to quit. But if he had, where would I be? Who knows. Not here that’s for sure. I didn’t want to think about it.

“So, let's get right to it. You’re probably wondering why I asked you both to come here today. Sammy’s studio has been very popular the last couple of months. With such a high demand for classes, it’s been getting harder for me to balance everything between my commitment here and there and keep my family happy. That’s why I’ve come up with a solution. Tara.” He smiled widely, arms crossed over his chest.

“What about Tara?” I snapped before I could stop myself. I cringed a little because I hadn't meant to sound so rude. I looked over at her and she was just as confused as I was. I guess catching up hadn’t included telling her the reason she was here. What did he think he was doing? Surely he didn't mean for her to teach? With me? How could he expect me to work with her? He knew how complicated things were between us! Did he think he was helping? That putting us together would somehow solve everything? 

“She can teach in the studio,” he said in an obvious tone, like I hadn't already figured it out. “A couple of classes to start, which would give me a little more free time. Unfortunately teaching at the academy isn't an option right now because of the tight budget but because Sammy's studio is funded through donations, there's a little more money to play around with. It wouldn't be much, but it's something. Would you be interested Tara? You'd still need to interview formally with the board, but it's more of a technicality than anything else. I've already sung your praises to them and they seem very keen on letting you teach if you want to.”

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Technicality? The board had made me jump through hoops to get this job! It hadn't been easy. It took them ages to even agree to consider me! At least it felt like ages. But maybe that's because I had wanted it so badly. But to let her just waltz right in as if it were the easiest thing in the world? They should at least make her work for it a little.

Not that I didn't think she would be a good teacher. I knew she would be. That wasn’t why I was so upset. I was upset because of what Zach was doing. I was trying to avoid her, give her space. Zach knew this! He knew about my decision and he was still butting in where he didn’t belong. Not that I was surprised. I looked over at Tara and I knew she was processing everything Zach had just told her. I was torn. I didn’t want to stand in her way, but seeing her every day, being that close to her… I wasn’t strong enough to handle that. It had been hard enough not to call and text her before, but working with her would make it almost impossible.

“It’s definitely something I’d be interested in!” Her eyes were bright and a smile spread wide across her face. “I would have to look at my rehab schedule but I’m sure I can work something out. When can I meet with the board?”

“How does next week sound?” 

“Sounds great!” She chirped. I held back a groan. Of course she would want to. Any way she could be involved in dancing. Not that I could blame her. She was probably dying to dance again! We were sitting close enough that I could feel her excitement. It was practically radiating off of her. 

“What do you think Christian?” Zach’s voice was hopeful and Tara looked at me expectantly. What? Why was it up to me? Why did I have any say? Shouldn’t it be up to the board? Didn’t they have the final word? Besides, it wasn’t like I could say no! Not with both of them looking at me with those puppy-dog eyes. I shot Zach a quick death glare, hoping to let him know that I knew exactly what he was doing.

“I suppose we could find some use for her,” I drawled sarcastically, smirking as I looked over at Tara. “As long as she’s up to the challenge.” I waited for her to roll her eyes and laugh, to react the way she always did when I teased her. 

“What is that supposed to mean? Why wouldn't I be up to it?” Her irritated tone made my heart start to beat nervously in my chest. Uh-oh. This wasn’t good.

“Well, with your back and all, we’d want to make sure you can handle such a grueling schedule. We wouldn't want you to feel overworked,” I said gently, trying to explain myself better.

“Overworked? Really Christian? I know all about hard work! In case you forgot, I've broken my back twice! I've worked harder than you can possibly imagine! You can't honestly think that I wouldn't be able to handle this job! If you can do it, I certainly can!”

“Now what’s that supposed to mean?” I shot back, offended by her high and mighty attitude.

“Okay guys, maybe we should-” Zach tried to cut in but she cut him off quickly.

“It means that you don't know the first thing about what I've been through since I started my rehab!” She yelled, standing up quickly. “You haven't cared enough to even pick up the phone and talk to me! You've ignored all my calls and texts! I've tried to stay in touch! I've tried to apologize for kicking you out of my room at the hospital and you just pushed me aside! I thought we were friends Christian! Friends don't ignore each other! Friends don't treat each other this way!”

“Tara-” Zach tried again.

“What Zach? What do you have to say that is going to make any of this okay? Don't you dare defend him! I don't care if he is your star instructor! Nothing has changed! He still has no idea what he wants!” She paused, letting her accusations hang in the air, her eyes boring in to mine. After a few more moments, she added, “You know what? I'm in! Tell the board I want the job and text me the details. I have to go. I have rehab. Wouldn't want anyone to question whether or not I was up to it!”

She grabbed her bag and pushed past me, not waiting for me to move out of the way. When she reached the door, she spun around and met me with an intense gaze. “Enjoy being the star while you can Christian, but I wouldn't get too comfortable if I were you. I'll see you soon.” And with that, she swept out of Zach's office, leaving both of us speechless.

What just happened? I was just joking around and she had thrown down the gauntlet! Who was this person? I didn't know her. The Tara I knew would never act this way! Sure she had her moments but none of them compared to this! Zach and I sat there for a while, an awkward silence settling between us. I stared down at the floor but I could feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to say something. 

“What was that all about? Can you believe her?” I scoffed, pretending not to care about what she had just said. I didn't want Zach to see how hard Tara's words had hit home. She had always been able to see right through me. And she was right. Even though I loved my job, I was still searching for that missing piece. How could she tell? What had given it away? I had barely said a word to her! It wasn't fair. 

“Her? What about you?” Zach's sharp tone made me look up at him. “All she wanted was your approval and you made her feel so stupid! She knows how important this job is to you! She would never want to take that away. She just wants to spend some time with you! Do you honestly think she won't be a good teacher? She's probably the only person who would be able to work with you. I thought you would make a good team! You know each other so well that it just makes sense.”

“A good team? Really? That's not what this is about Zach! Don't think I don't know what you're doing! Swooping in, trying to fix everything! Super Zach to the rescue! I'm fine! I don't need your help with Tara! I know what I'm doing! And it was just a joke! I was only teasing! I didn't know she would take it so personally-”

“How did you expect her to take it Christian? How could you make fun of her like that? After everything she's gone through? She deserves your support, your help. This job could be so good for her, build up her confidence, help her get back to where she was before she fell. She's really hurting Christian! You would know that if you ever bothered to pick up the phone! She needs you!”

He stopped to take a breath, running his fingers through his hair. I could tell how uncomfortable he was. He hated laying down the law. It took a lot for Zach to get angry. He was usually so calm and easy going. Slow to judge. I guess this wasn't one of those times. He had obviously already made up his mind and no one was going to sway him. Besides, he was right as usual. I had laughed at her when all she wanted was my approval! But hadn't she done the same thing? She had made me feel so guilty for turning down the company when all I had wanted to do was teach! And now she was trying to get in on the action! 

“Look, why don't you get to the studio before classes start. Just think it over, yeah? I'll be down later. I have a couple of phone calls to make.” I knew he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He had said everything he had needed to say. And I certainly didn't want to hear anymore. Unable to come up with a clever retort, I simply nodded my head, grabbed my bag and made my way out of his office... 

Walking to the studio now, I remember the regret I felt after leaving Zach's office that day. How could I have been so mean? Why had I made fun of Tara when all she needed was a friend? I should have been more supportive. I should have been able to put aside my ego and just be happy for her. I should have told her that she'd be a great teacher, that I wanted to help any way I could. I have tried so many times since then to call and tell her that, to apologize for the way I acted but it hasn't worked. This time she's been the one to ignore me.

As I walk into the studio, I stop short. She is here. My heart races and my palms start to sweat. She’s standing in front of Sammy's picture on the wall, lost in thought. She smiles sadly and any uncertainty I am feeling evaporates instantly. She's really here! It's all I can do to not rush over to her and put my arms around her. She’s wearing black leggings and a white top and her hair hangs loosely in a way that brings back memories of my dream from this morning. She heads over to the barre, pushes a button on the remote she's holding and settles into first position. I stand in the doorway watching her, holding my breath as she beings her routine. Tendu, plié, relevé. So simple and yet so beautiful. She is beautiful. 

I walk up behind her, trying to find the right thing to say, something that will tell her how sorry I am for being such a jerk, that I'm glad she's here. When it comes to me, I can't help smiling. 

“You're rolling forward on your right foot.” 

She turns around, and arches her eyebrows, a crooked smile spreading slowly across her face. “Oh really?” She asks sarcastically. “Well maybe the star instructor should show me how it's done!” 

She grabs my hand and pulls me closer. The warmth of her touch sends shivers down my spine and I can barely breathe. Suddenly, my dream comes into sharp focus. Everything falls into place and I finally realize what I've been missing. How could I have been so blind? She's been right in front of me all along.

Unable to stop myself, I reach up to hold her face in my hands. I know what I want. 

“Christian, what are you doing?” She asks nervously, her voice cracking, her eyes wide with uncertainty.

“Something I should have done a long time ago.” Then I lean in and kiss her.


	10. Reconciliation

It's just like my dream. Only better. Because this time, I know it's real. She's really here. She is really in my arms. It's more than I could have hoped for. It's all I've wanted since leaving her at the hospital. She leans into me and I can feel her heart beating quickly against my chest. My hands move slowly from her face to the back of her neck, holding her close. I don’t want this to end. She is all I want.

All too soon, she pulls back. I open my eyes to see her looking down, her cheeks bright red.

“That was nice.” I can't stop myself from smiling again.

“Yeah it was.” The nervousness in her voice betrays her. She won't look me in the eye.

“Tara, what's wrong?” 

“Nothing, it's just… what are we doing Christian? Why did you kiss me?”

“You grabbed my hand, you pulled me towards you. It was all I could think about doing.”

“So this is my fault?” She asks quietly, stepping back, breaking the hold I have on her.

“What? No! That's not what I meant…” I reply gently, reaching out and hold her hand.

"Then what did you mean?" She pulls her hand away. "I'm so confused… First you ignore me for months, then you make me feel like an idiot in front of Zach... And now you kiss me as if we're still together! I don't understand you! None of it makes any sense!"

I can hear the frustration in her voice and it hurts that she doesn’t see how much I’ve missed her, how much I regret leaving her alone. But how can she? I have done everything in my power to avoid her, to stay away. I haven't given her any reason to believe that I still want to be with her. I got so caught up in my own head that I didn't think about how my decision would affect her in the long run. Some things never change.

I step closer to her and take her hands in mine again, searching for the right words to say, hoping to show her how much I want to make things right. 

“Tara I'm sorry... for ignoring you and for saying all that stupid stuff in Zach's office. I was just so angry! When I visited you in the hospital, I knew you were going to be upset that I was turning down the company but you didn't even give me a chance to explain, to tell you that working here was what I wanted more than anything. I decided to stay away because I’ve disappointed you so much in the past and I didn't want to get in the way. Then you could concentrate on getting better and not have to think about anything else.”

I hold my breath as I wait for her to say something. She smiles sadly again and I can see the toll the last few months have taken on her. She has dark circles under eyes and their usual brightness has dulled a little. I can't stop myself from thinking that it's all my fault. How could I have been so cruel? I should have been there for her! I should have helped her! 

“Christian, you could never disappoint me!” She says reassuringly, squeezing my hands tightly. She lowers her eyes. “I’m sorry too.” 

“For what?” I ask, a little confused. She is the last person who should be apologizing for anything! 

“For making you feel like what you wanted wasn’t good enough! After you left my room, I wanted to stop you, call you back, but it hurt too much. Knowing you had gotten a contract and I may never get one. It made my dream seem even farther away. And the fact that you didn’t want it! That you had everything and you weren’t going to take it! I couldn’t wrap my head around it… I didn't know how to deal with the possibility of not dancing again – being stuck in one place when everyone else was moving forward.” 

“Hey, come here.” There are tears in her eyes as I pull her into my arms and hold her tightly. She rests her head on my shoulder and I lean my head against hers and breathe her in, her scent even more overwhelming than it was in my dream. 

Eventually she lifts her head and I hear her laugh softly. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Your shirt is all wet. Sorry.”

“No worries. I’ll send you the dry-cleaning bill,” I smirk, knowing it will be dry before class even starts.

“Haha. Since when do you own clothes that need to be dry-cleaned?” She teases back and I breathe a sigh of relief.

“Ouch! That hurt Training Bra!” I raise my eyebrows and put my hand on my chest, pretending to be offended.

“You’ll get over it.” 

She shoots me a crooked smile and walks back over to the barre. She leans back against the barre and stares at Sammy's picture. She furrows her eyebrows and her purses her lips tightly together. I follow her and after a few minutes of silence, I can't take it anymore. I need to know what she is thinking. 

"Penny for your thoughts?"

She looks down at the floor. "I just miss him so much. Even after all this time, it still hurts that he's gone. I'm never going to see him again, talk to him again, hear him laugh again. I keep thinking that it will get better, that I'll somehow get over everything that's happened…”

She stops and bites her lip, fighting her tears, trying her best to hold it all in. Seeing her like this makes me even angrier at myself than I already am.

“When I took my first steps after surgery, when I left the hospital, when I started rehab... I would have given anything to have him there. Even though I had my parents and Kat, even Abigail and Ollie here and there, it wasn't the same. If only he was there to tell me it was going to be okay, that I was going to get through it… He always knew exactly what to say.”

Even though I know she is talking about Sammy, I can’t help feeling guilty. That I wasn’t there for her. That I left her all alone when she needed me the most. My heart aches as I try to imagine what the past few months would have been like if I hadn’t ignored her, if I had gone to see her, helped her through her recovery. Would it have been easier for her? Would she have healed faster? Would she have been able to walk sooner? Dance sooner? Would we be together now? I can’t keep the last thought out of my head, no matter how hard I try. I can’t believe that I wasted so much time! All because of some stupid promise I made to myself. 

“He was brilliant, wasn't he?” I look up at his photo and the guilt I'm feeling doubles. He wouldn't have let me behave so badly! He would have yelled at me, told me how stupid I was being. He wouldn't have left her all alone like I had. He always did the right thing.

“He never would have treated you like I did. He would have been there for you… I told myself that you were angry at me, that you didn’t want to see me. I convinced myself that it was what you wanted. That staying away was for the best. But I was only thinking about what was easier for me. You were always so strong and seeing you broken, fighting to put yourself back together, knowing there was nothing I could do…”

“Christian, my fall wasn't your fault. You can't keep punishing yourself for things that you have no control over! That’s what gets you into so much trouble! You let all the bad stuff mess with your head. I know because I did the same thing! When I was in the hospital, I was so scared and I took it out on you.”

Again, I can see the tears in her eyes and I try to process everything she has just said. I can't let her think that this is her fault. She has enough to deal with right now! All I want is to help her. After causing her so much pain, I just want to make her feel better.

“I'm sorry for pushing you away, for leaving you alone after your surgery! I should have known better. After working so hard to be friends again, to get back to normal, I just let it go! You needed me and I wasn't there and it's all my fault and I would do anything to change that! I would-” 

She places her hand on my arm and cuts me off gently, “Christian stop! We've both made mistakes! I was so angry at you after our meeting with Zach. Rehab was so hard and the thought of teaching, being back in a proper studio, made it seem like everything was falling into place. I missed you so much and I went into the meeting thinking that we could talk and put everything behind us. Poor Zach. I really let him have it.”

“He'll live. I think we both know it wasn't really him you were angry at.” I smirk and she smiles and rolls her eyes.   
“I told myself that I wasn't going to be angry, that I was going to listen and keep an open mind. There had to be a perfectly good reason why you had stayed away. But when you teased me, I just lost it. I didn't understand why you were acting so strangely and it made me mad! I'm so sorry for what I said.”

No matter how much I've tried to forget, her words have been a permanent fixture in my brain, constantly circling, making it hard to keep her out of my mind, motivating me to find any way to make up for my bad behavior.

“Can you forgive me?” She trembles slightly and I quickly wrap my arms around her again. 

“Hey, calm down Training Bra! There’s nothing to forgive,” I say gently in her ear. I reach up and slowly run my fingers through her hair. “Besides, I deserved it. I've been the worst friend in the world! I should be the one asking you to forgive me!”

“Christian, you don’t have to keep-”

“Yes I do!” I pull back and look straight into her eyes. “You need to know how much I regret the last few months, how much I've missed you! There were so many times when I wanted to call you-”

“Then why didn’t you?” She asks. “All those horrible things I said… I didn’t mean any of them! That’s why I left you so many messages! I didn’t want you to blame yourself for the way I acted.”

It's easy to see she's telling the truth. It's written all over her face. She had wanted to see me! Why had I let myself think that she didn’t? That her messages and texts were just her way of making herself feel better! After everything we’ve been through, I still hadn’t learned my lesson! What was that saying about history repeating itself? I was living proof of that for sure. 

“Tara… I’ve made so many mistakes. I let so much get in the way! No matter how good things were between us, I always found some way to ruin it! I didn’t want to put you through that again… I wanted you to be happy-” 

“I'm happy when I'm with you!” She blurts out. I raise my eyebrows slightly and her cheeks turn bright red again. She smiles shyly and I can see the wheels turning frantically in her head, trying to find something to say to make up for her momentary slip. She hadn't wanted to give so much away.

“What I meant to say was, I know I put a lot of pressure on you when we were in school but I only wanted the best for you. I loved you so much and the thought of not being with you scared me. Like the only way we could be together was if we were both in the company. But now, seeing this place…” 

She squeezes my hand and as she looks around the space, her eyes light up in a way that reminds me of the Tara of old – the Tara who hadn't been knocked flat on her back such a short time ago, who still had everything going for her, who still believed anything was possible. Seeing her like this gives me hope that things can go back to the way they were before she fell – with her at the top and everyone else scrambling to catch up.  
“It's alright,” I smirk, shrugging my shoulders. “It's a far cry from the glamorous life of a company dancer but I get by.”

“It's more than alright! It's amazing! I used to think being in the company was all that mattered, that it was the only option. But being here… with you… seeing how comfortable you are, how happy you are! It gives me hope that there are other options, that even if I can't dance...”

She pauses and I let her words sink in. How can she already know how much I love working here? How much teaching means to me? It baffles me because she hasn't even seen me in action. She hasn't even seen this place at its best. But I'm not surprised. She's always been good at getting in my head. She's always been able to read me like a book. It used to make me angry because there were so many things that I didn't want out in the open. I didn't want everyone to know every little detail about my life. To know that I was hurting and that all I wanted was to be left alone. But unlike everyone else, she ignored the warning signs. Whether it was because she didn't pick up on them or because she just didn't care, she never let me off the hook.

“Tara don't say that!” I scold gently, taking her hands in mine. As much as I would love for her to teach here with me, her not dancing isn't something I want to think about. She has to be able to dance! She needs to dance! It's all she's ever wanted! It's her dream! She can't possibly be thinking about giving up! Not yet! She's come so far, accomplished so much. She still has so much left to give.

“It's still early,” I explain when she narrows her eyes slightly. “You've still got plenty of time to figure that out. We'll take it slow, one day at a time.”

“We?” She asks doubtfully, her voice cracking at the end. She isn't sure what to make of my declaration but it doesn't stop her eyes from flickering with excitement.

“Yes, we.” I answer her with as much certainty as I can. She needs to know that I mean every word, that I'm not going to waste any more time, that I can't afford to. 

“I'm not going to let you down again Tara. I am going to be here for you. I promise. As much as you may have needed me, I needed you too. It scared me how much I needed you, which is part of the reason why I pushed you away. I thought I knew what was best for me, for both of us, but as usual I was wrong. Instead of making things better, I only made them worse.”  
She continues to study me and I know she’s trying to figure out for sure if I’m telling the truth. I can’t blame her. I hold her gaze, willing her to believe me. Please Tara, I beg silently in my head. Please. 

It must work because after a few moments, she smiles and squeezes my hands and I can’t help but smile back. A growing warmth spreads through my body and before I can stop myself, I lean in to kiss her again.

“Christian…” she whispers. I hear the worry in her voice and it stops me in my tracks. 

“Yeah?” I ask, leaning my forehead against hers, keeping my eyes closed.

“I have to go...” My eyes fly open and I can see the regret in hers as she lets go of my hands and leans over to grab her bag. I silently chide myself for acting so impulsively. What is wrong with me? We’ve barely spoken in four months and I just assume that we can pick up right where we left off?

“Tara, I’m sorry. Please don’t go. Stay for class,” I beg, unable to hide the desperation in my voice. 

“It's okay Christian.” She checks her watch, then looks up and places her hand on mine. “I can't stay but thank you for today. It meant a lot.” She holds my stare, then lets go of my hand and I turn to watch as she heads for the door. 

“Tara wait!” I blurt out loudly, and walk over to her, trying to do everything in my power to keep her with me as long as possible.

“Yes Christian?” She asks. As she turns, I see a glimmer of hope flash across her face.

“Do you drink coffee?” I ask hesitantly. 

“I've been known to drink a cup or two here and there,” she teases, shrugging her shoulders, and it helps alleviate some of the disappointment I am feeling. 

“Good, that's good.” My voice is shaky and I can't believe how nervous I am. My stomach has been in knots since I walked into the studio.

“Is that all?”

“Yes – no, I mean…” I struggle to find my words as her questioning eyes pierce into mine. “Would you like to have coffee… with me?” My voice cracks embarrassingly.

“I would love that! Is tomorrow okay?” She asks enthusiastically.

“Works for me. So… can I text you?”

“Do you even have my number?” She asks doubtfully.

“Of course I do!” I exclaim, quickly reaching into my pocket. It's only after I've pulled out my phone that I look up at her and realize she is teasing me, a smug smile on her face.

“Very funny Training Bra, you got me!”

“Apparently. Since when are you so easy to tease?” She shoots back. 

“Since now I guess,” I scoff and she laughs.

“I've missed that by the way… Training Bra… it's nice to hear again.”

“Me too. So… do you need a cab… or a ride?” I ask, trying not to sound too desperate. Before she can answer, her phone dings and she pulls it out of her bag.

“Actually, Kat just texted me. She's outside. She's taking me to therapy.”

“I'll walk you out.”

“It's almost time for your class. We wouldn't want the star instructor to set a bad example now would we?”

“Too late,” I smirk, taking her hand in mine and guiding her towards the door. 

She laughs as she leans in to hug me and I do the same, wrapping my arms around her, reveling in her closeness. All too soon she pulls away and my heart sinks at the thought of her leaving.

“Text me about tomorrow, seeing as how you have my number and all.”

“Deal.”

“Bye Christian,” she chirps.

“See you tomorrow Training Bra,” I reply, happy when she smiles yet again. I follow her outside and watch as she walks down the wharf to the academy entrance. Just before she rounds the corner, she looks back and waves. I wave back, sad to see her go. 

I head back into the studio and walk over to the barre and start to stretch, my sore muscles straining in protest. I ignore them and think of something much more appealing – Tara's skin on mine, the softness of her hair, the warmth of her kiss. I close my eyes and savor the memory of her visit as I sit down on the floor to stretch. When I'm done, I lie back and let myself fall deeper into my daydream. 

I don't know how long I lie there, but suddenly I can't shake the feeling that I'm being watched. I open my eyes only to see Jayden and the other students standing over me.

“Dude, you okay?” He asks, trying to hold in his laughter.

“Yeah fine.” I sit up and shake my head, bringing myself back to the here and now. “Don't you guys have anything better to do than to spy on me?” I question jokingly.

“Well we thought class was at ten. We just wanted to make sure you weren't dead or anything,” Jayden retorts, causing the others to laugh. He is definitely getting too smart for his own good. I check my phone and see that it's nearly ten. I guess time flies when you're distracted. 

“Well I'm not so don't just stand there! Start warming up!” I smirk as I grab the remote and stand up. They all laugh again and quickly dump their bags in the corner and take their spots at the barre.

“Okay guys, tendus.” I press play and the music starts. I walk slowly around the space making a correction here and there and as we work our way through barre, I try not to think about Tara. I try to focus, to keep my mind on the task at hand. But no matter how hard I try, I can't stop myself from wishing that tomorrow was already here.


	11. Fair Warning

I'm wide awake. Usually I'm out as soon as my head hits the pillow, but not tonight. I think I'm trying so hard to fall asleep that it's having the opposite effect. A nervous energy runs through me and I can't seem to relax. I’m going to see her again. It hasn't really hit me yet. It's hard to believe that what happened today was even real.

I reach over and grab my phone off my nightstand and stare at her last text shining brightly on my screen. “Can't wait! See you tomorrow!” So simple and yet so meaningful at the same time. My heart flutters stupidly in my chest and I wonder if she is as excited as I am. After she left the studio, the day dragged, as if time was standing still. I barely made it through my classes. I held on as long as I could before giving up altogether, ending early just so I could text her. 

When she called me back, it was hard to stay calm when all I wanted to do was jump up and down like an idiot. But I held it together and played it cool, asking her how rehab was and what she wanted to do tomorrow. We decided to meet up at the academy café. I would probably be at the studio anyway and the apartment she shares with Kat is close by which means an easy commute. Knowing her, she'll insist on walking. 

I can't help smiling as I think about how stubborn she is… how she never gave up on me. Even when I broke her heart, even when her calls and texts went unanswered at the start of third year, she never stopped. I can still remember the excitement I felt each time I got one of her messages, when my phone would buzz and I would quickly yank it out of my pocket. They got me through the tough times. When memories of Sammy would overwhelm me, when it was hard to shrug off the stupidity of the kids I hung out with when I stayed with Raf, when it seemed easier not to care anymore… I would listen to her voice and it gave me hope that I could somehow climb out of the humongous hole I had fallen into.

Her texts were short and vague – hey, how are you, hope you're okay. But her voicemails were the exact opposite. Long and detailed, usually about the farm – her joey, the sheep, our favorite hill where we used to dance – then whatever crazy shenanigans the gang was up to once school had started; always ending with a sincere plea to call her back, saying how much she wanted to talk to me, how much she missed me. I would play them over and over, wishing I had the courage to call her back, to face the one person I had tried so hard to leave behind.

Just as I am about to put my phone back on my nightstand, it buzzes. My pulse quickens, hoping it’s her. No such luck. It’s Kat. Why is she calling this late? It’s almost midnight. My excitement quickly turns to fear. What if something is wrong? What if Tara’s hurt? What if she needs me?

I sit up quickly and answer, failing to keep the panic out of my voice. “Kat? What is it? Is everything okay?” 

“You tell me Christian! I hear you have plans tomorrow!”

Relief rushes through me. Tara is okay. And she has obviously told Kat about meeting me and Kat, being the protective best friend that she is, has brought it upon herself to put me in my place. 

“It’s just coffee Kat,” I reply, unable to hide my frustration. I lie back down and run my fingers through my hair.

“Be that as it may, I’m warning you Christian! Tara has had enough disappointment to last a lifetime and she is really excited about this and I swear if you somehow manage to mess it up and hurt her again, it will be the last thing you do!”

“I know-” 

“Do you?” She asks, cutting me off. “Please tell me what took you so long to realize how stupid you were being? I’m dying to know because nothing I ever said seemed to stick!”

It's hard to ignore the anger in her voice. I've only heard her like once before. When we talked outside the rehearsal studio and she told me that Tara was happy with Ben, that she was over me for good, her words hurt more than I thought they would. I wasn't ready to think that Tara and I might never be together again, that she didn't love me anymore. Still, I wasn't going to let Kat peg me so easily. I wasn't going to let her know how right she was. So I pushed my feelings aside, kept my distance, stayed out of Tara's way and avoided any situation where we might be alone together. 

But I can’t afford to do that anymore. I can’t keep pretending that there isn’t something between us. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense but when has my life ever made sense? From my dad taking off to losing my mom to my brother leaving me to fend for myself when I got arrested… 

I hated being at the academy, knowing that the only reason I was there was because of some fixed arrangement. Not because it was my dream or because I chose to be there, but because I had no choice. It was dancing or detention, which made me resent it with every ounce of strength I had. And when it came to Tara – seeing how much she loved being there, how much she belonged, how she was meant to dance – it was just easier to be mad at her for having it all figured out when I felt like I was drowning. I was never comfortable talking about my plans for the future, what I wanted to do with my life. But no matter how much I tried to keep her out, she always found a way in. No matter how angry I was at her or how many times she did something so crazy that it made me wonder why I even loved her, I couldn’t seem to shake her, to get her out of my system. Even after we broke up. Even when Kat and I were dating.

When Kat ended it, I knew I was still in love with Tara. The only reason I protested so much was because it was yet another thing that I had no say in. Another choice taken away from me. When I broke up with Tara, I was in control. She was the one who didn't have a choice. It made me feel powerful, like my voice was finally being heard. It was hard to let go of my issues, instead carrying them around with me, using them as a way to keep everyone out. Especially Tara. She got closer than most but as soon as she told me about finding my dad, I shut her down quickly, not even giving her a chance to explain.

But not this time. This time it will be different. I will be different. Seeing her this morning in the studio, holding her in my arms, kissing her for the first time since that day in the pool, made me realize how empty my life has been without her, how much I need her… how much I love her. When everyone else had stopped calling, stopped texting... stopped caring, she never did. 

“Kat, I… I ruined everything! It's all my fault! I thought leaving her alone was better than screwing everything up again. She is so good and I'm… not. I'm not good enough for her. She deserves so much better-”

“But she wants you Christian! Tara has never cared about any of the stupid stuff you did! She knows how much you regret it. You can't let that get in the way of what you want… who you want-”

“But-”

“You can't change the past but you can keep it from repeating itself. Don't waste any more time Christian! She's been waiting for you for so long. She loves you and I know you love her too.”

The sincerity in her voice tugs at my heart. It has to be hard for her to say this. It's been less than a month since Jamie broke up with her and she hasn't taken it very well. He claimed it was because she didn't have time for him, which was sort of true with her flying back and forth to Los Angeles for auditions. But this is Kat. She is amazing! Bubbly and upbeat, the best friend anyone could ever ask for, a force to be reckoned with, a girl that any guy should thank his lucky stars to be dating; and seeing her sad and alone hasn't been easy.

“Are you okay Kat?” I ask, even though I know the answer. Of course she's not okay. Hence the phone call. Her heart is broken and she's trying to keep the same thing from happening to Tara. A mission of mercy so to speak.

“As good as I can be.” Her voice is soft and shaky and it makes me want to punch Jamie in the face! How dare he do this to her? How dare he hurt her? I know I'm no one to judge, that I've made mistakes and messed things up, but it's not the same thing. We trusted him, accepted him into our group, called him our friend! What gives him the right to make her feel like she's the problem? That following her dream was getting in the way of his happiness! She's so special! So talented! She deserves to do whatever makes her happy. 

“I try not to think about him. I try not to wonder where he is or what he's doing. Easier said than done I guess. But that is irrelevant. This is about you and Tara, not my pathetic sob story! Jamie and I may be over but that doesn't mean I don't believe in happy endings! So... you have my blessing Christian but like I said before, if you hurt her again, it won't end well for you!”

“Trust me Kat, if I hurt her again, you have my permission to dish out whatever punishment you see fit.”

“Can I have that in writing?”

“I'll get right on that…” 

Silence stretches between us and when she doesn't make an effort to hang up, I add, “You know you can call me any time, right Kat? If you ever need to talk, I'm here… if you want.”

“Thanks Christian…” 

“No worries. And thank you Kat.”

“What are friends for? Well, I should let you go… you need plenty of beauty sleep for your date tomorrow-”

“It's not a date!” I exclaim, cutting her off.

“Uh-huh yeah, okay,” she drawls. “I didn't believe Tara when she said it and I don't believe you either.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Ooooh burn! How long have you been practicing that one?” She teases.

“Haha very funny. But really, it's just coffee.”

“Fine, if you say so… backing off now!”

“It's a miracle!”

“Night Christian.”

“Night Kat.”

I hang up and put my phone back on my nightstand, Kat’s words fresh in my mind. She loves you so much… I don’t know why Tara still loves me, why she still wants anything to do with me. I have done nothing to deserve her. How can I ever make up for what I put her through? I close my eyes and cover my face with my hands as I think of all the horrible things I’ve said to her…

“I don't need your help Tara, I'm fine without you!” “You can't guilt me into getting back together with you because it's not going to happen!” “Can't you see how desperate you look? I don't know how to make it any clearer, I do not want to be with you okay?” “I show you the smallest amount of attention and suddenly, you're in love with me! Nothing happened!” 

My stomach churns in disgust. I've made such a mess of things! If it wasn’t for me, we wouldn't be in this situation. We wouldn’t be struggling to piece our relationship back together. I wouldn't have to imagine how hard the last few months were for her because I would know. I might even be with her at this very moment, lying next to her, holding her, running my fingers through her hair, brushing my lips against hers… I shake my head in frustration. At this rate, I'll never get to sleep. And I have to sleep. 

With that thought running through my mind, I grab my phone and quickly text “See you then!” Then I put it back down, roll over and close my eyes.


	12. Nothing Else Matters

I've never been good at waiting. Not when I was in trouble at school and I had to wait outside the principal’s office, not when I went with my mom to her appointments and we had to wait for her test results, not when I got arrested and I had to wait for my parole officer to show up… and definitely not when I sat waiting at the hospital after Tara fell during her audition.

Even now, I find myself fidgeting, struggling to control my nerves. I sit at my usual table, the same table where I sat as a student. I lean back in my chair, close my eyes and breathe. In and out… in and out. It doesn't help because as soon as my eyes are shut, I see her. She's lying on her back, tears streaming down her cheeks. It's an image that’s haunted me since she fell, reminding me of all the times I have left her, all the times I have taken so much from her without giving anything in return.

I open my eyes quickly, needing to erase those images from my mind, to ease the overwhelming guilt that I've been carrying around with me for the last few months. I run my fingers through my hair and look out at the water, watching the waves roll gently across the harbor. Effortless and natural, graceful even. Again I think of Tara, but this time, it evokes much happier memories… the sweetness of her smile, the way her eyes would light up when we were together, the warmth of her hand in mine.

Unable to wait any longer, I pull my phone out of my pocket and scroll through my contacts until I get to her name. I’m just about to call her when I hear a familiar voice behind me.

“You're here early,” she chirps.

I bolt out of my chair, nearly knocking it to the ground. I can feel her eyes on me as I grab it at the last minute and set it down loudly. Real smooth, the voice inside my head taunts.

“Oh you know… just wanted to get a good spot,” I say casually, hoping she can't see the redness in my cheeks.

“Uh-huh, because the café is so crowded on a Sunday morning!” She teases, staring around at all the empty tables.

“Exactly,” I tease back.

“Well as long as you've thought it through,” she concedes and sits next to me, wincing slightly as she lowers herself into the chair.

“Are you sure you want to sit there? You'll have a better view over here,” I say, pointing to the other side of the table. 

“I didn't come here for the view Christian,” she states obviously, rolling her eyes.

“Really? Well then, what brings you here on this fine day?” I drawl as I sit back down.

“Someone invited me and I never turn down free coffee,” she smiles mischievously.

“Free you say? Bold move Webster,” I smirk and raise my eyebrows.

“I learn from the best… besides you're the one with the job after all,” she teases again.

“True.” I smirk again, hoping that she won’t be too offended, that it won’t be too hard for her to hear.

“Hey!” She reaches over and swats me playfully.

“What? You started it!” I shoot back with a laugh, clutching my arm where she hit it.

“Fair enough…”

Her smile disappears suddenly and just like that, the mood has gone from light and teasing to heavy and awkward. Silence stretches between us and a strong sense of déjà vu hits me, only instead of sitting in a hospital room, this time we're sitting in the café.

“Well this is awkward,” she muses.

“You think?” I smirk sarcastically.

“Don't worry, I won't ask you to leave this time,” she smiles sheepishly and I know we're on the same page.

“Good to know,” I smile. “So... are you sure you don't want to move to this side? The view really is better…” I offer again, trying to lighten the mood a little, to start over.

“Christian will you relax? I just want to sit here with you!”

“And why is that?” I ask curiously. I need her to tell me, to hear the words come out of her mouth. No guessing. No reading between the lines. No assuming anything. 

She stares straight into my eyes, not flinching at all. Her gaze makes me uncomfortable because I know she is studying me once again, looking for the slightest bit of movement, any hint that I'm going to run. But I stay strong, not giving her any reason to doubt my intentions. The waiting is torture, but I will myself to keep going. I want her to see that I am serious, that I’m not going anywhere.

After a few moments, she simply shrugs her shoulders and says, “Because I'm sick of it.”

“Sick of what?” I ask tensely. What does she mean? My heart pounds loudly in my ears and my mind races. Any certainty I have managed to piece together is gone. 

“Leaving you alone.”

Relief rushes through me and I am reminded of another time when those words were spoken. When I first told her I liked her, after we got caught kissing on the beach. I wonder if she remembers too and I take a deep breath in and run my fingers through my hair. She missed me! She wants to be with me! I try not to get too far ahead of myself, knowing that so much has to happen before we can go back there. All we're doing is sitting in a café with no clear knowledge of what we are. Friends? Is that all we are? It seems like such an odd word for us because on one hand, we are so much more, but on the other, we're not.  
“What's wrong?” She reaches over and puts her hand in mine, concern etched on her face. It catches me off-guard and the nerves take over.

“Nothing,” I brush her off, hoping she’ll let it go. I should know better by now. Her face falls and her hand leaves mine, taking her warmth with it.

“Whatever Christian.” The disappointment in her voice is thick and makes my palms sweat. She turns her head away from me, looking down the wharf. I try to think of something to say, but when I open my mouth nothing comes out so I settle for silence.  
“You know it would be nice if you would just talk to me,” she murmurs irritably. “Not because you feel bad or because you're trying to make up for whatever’s been going on for the last few months but because you want to. I shouldn't have to try this hard to know what you're thinking! Why is it so hard for you to talk to me?”

Her outburst hits me hard because it's true. I only talk to her when it's convenient for me. When I need something from her. This realization burns in my brain and I can’t hold my anger in any longer.

“Because I shouldn't need your help Tara!” I shout loudly, unable to control my temper. “I should be able to figure stuff out on my own! With everything you're going through, you shouldn't have to deal with all my crap too! It's not fair to you!”

I’m breathing heavily as I fight back the tears in my eyes. I stare straight at her, hoping I haven't scared her too much. She swallows slowly and I can see the wheels turning in her head. 

“Christian, that's the worst excuse I've ever heard! Haven't you learned by now that being alone isn't all it's cracked up to be? That the only reason any of us have made it this far is because of each other? Hasn’t Sammy’s accident taught you anything?”  
Her voice cracks at the end and hearing his name slices through me. No matter how much time has passed, the pain of losing Sammy hasn’t gone away. It’s as real now as it was when it happened. Cutting deep, making it hard to breathe, impossible to think of anything else. 

I know he wouldn’t want me to wallow, that he would want me to move on and be happy. And I know that being miserable won’t solve anything. Our last year at the academy was proof of that. Even after I came back, I still wasn’t happy. At least not like before. Even though I knew I was in the right place, it wasn’t the same without Sammy. He had been the heart of everything. He made everything better. And the fact that everyone seemed to fall right back into the school year as if nothing bad had ever happened only added to the resentment I felt. And of course, Tara took the brunt of my anger. I knew she would… that she wouldn’t fight back, that she would let me yell at her and blame her for things that weren’t her fault. None of my other friends would, which is why she was such an easy target. 

“I think Sammy’s… accident… has taught us too many things,” I answer somberly. 

“True,” she answers, equally as stoic. “But as long as we don’t forget him… as long as we remember all the good times, then maybe it will make the bad times a little easier.” She smiles sweetly and her cheeks turn red, embarrassed by her heartfelt statement.

“When did you get so smart Training Bra?” I ask. She hasn’t been this insightful in a long time. She's always been kind and caring but when Saskia broke her back, it was like her light had diminished a little. She had lost some of that wide-eyed wonder that had set her apart from the others, that had drawn me to her in the first place. 

“Hey, I know things!” She snaps, half offended and half amused. 

“Yeah? What sort of things?” I joke lightly.

“All sorts… ask me anything!” She states matter-of-factly.

“But what if you don't know the answer?” I challenge.

 

“Then I'll make something up!” She counters.

“And how am I supposed to know if you're lying or telling the truth?”

“You'll have to figure that out on your own,” she replies slyly. Her eyes sparkle and I know she is proud of herself for coming up with such a cheeky response. 

“Well in that case… when did your first know you wanted to be a ballet dancer?” I hold my breath as I wait for her answer. I don't want to upset her with such a sensitive question but it’s all I can think of.

“Christian, you already know the answer to that,” she says nervously. She's not sure she wants to answer. It's as though she thinks I'm trying to trick her, lure her into a trap. And maybe I am.

“Humor me.” I smirk hoping that it will ease her nerves and keep her talking. 

“Fine… I was five years old and I had just jumped off a hay bale and broken my wrist,” she answers quietly.

“And why did you want to be a ballet dancer?”

“Because it was the closest thing to flying,” she breathes softly.

“And how about now?”

“What?” Her brow furrows and she frowns slightly.

“Why do you want to be a ballet dancer?” I indulge her. 

The question catches her off-guard and she's not quite sure how to answer. It should be the same. To be in a place where everything is perfect, where no one tells her she's not good enough. To feel free. To fly. But I know it's not. It can't be. So much has happened. We've been through so much, changed so much. We aren't the same people and I guess this is my way of making sure she's on the right path. I need to know that she's doing this for herself and not just because it's what she's expected to do. 

“Why are you asking me this?” Her voice shakes and I know I've hit a nerve. Her fall has made dancing an unknown, something bright and shiny in the distance that she can't quite grasp.

“Just answer the question Tara,” I press further, keeping my voice as even as I can. 

“I just…” I can the tears forming in her eyes and guilt seizes through my chest. I hate making her cry. 

“Dancing is everything I've ever wanted! How can I just give up on it? I have to believe it's possible otherwise what's the point? Of being at the academy, coming back after all my injuries, putting up with all the doubt and the pain… it's my dream.”  
Her response breaks my heart because I know it’s true. It's all she has left. Her dream of dancing is what's driving her, keeping her going when she's not sure if she has the strength to make it through.

“But what if you can’t dance?” I ask, knowing I'm treading dangerously. 

“What do you mean?” She asks suspiciously. She knows what I mean but won't allow herself to say it. 

She narrows her eyes and glares at me with fierce determination. Her piercing stare sends shivers down my spine and I know my plan has worked, maybe a little too well. But I need her to be angry. When she's angry, she'll let down her guard and tell me what’s really on her mind.

“Tara-” I start but she cuts me off sharply.

“Why would you even say that?” She asks angrily. “You’re just like the rest of them! ‘It’s okay Tara… Don’t push yourself too hard Tara!’ Why can’t you just leave me alone? I know what I’m doing!” She stands quickly and starts walking. 

“Tara wait! Where are you going?” 

She doesn't answer and keeps walking so I jump up quickly to catch her. She hasn't had that much of a head start but she's moving fast. She must hear me coming up behind her because she suddenly spins around, her face just a few inches from mine. 

“You know, I expected my parents to tell me it was okay if I couldn't dance… even Kat, but you? I thought that you'd be the one to tell me to fight! But I guess I was wrong! Apparently Abigail is the only one who believes in me! How weird is that?”

“Tara, she's not the only one,” I say gently, trying to calm her down a little. 

“Really? Who else then because it seems to me like-”

“I do!” I yell back. She doesn't respond right away but when she does, the confusion in her voice is clear.

“Then why-”

“Because I need to be sure! It’s the only way I can let you do this-”

“Let me?”

“You know what I mean! This has to be what you want – for you and no one else! And if it is then I'm in. I meant what I said yesterday. I won’t let you down again. Anything you need, I’m here.”

She breathes heavily in silence and her cheeks turn bright red. Silence stretches painfully between us as she processes everything I’ve just said. Her hair blows freely in the breeze and I reach out and tuck a strand of it behind her ear. She is so beautiful and all I want to do is pull her into my arms and hold her but before I can make a move, she leans forward and wraps her arms around me. I follow suit, reaching up to run my fingers through her hair. I breathe her in as she holds me tightly and I know I need to let her decide when it's enough. 

“Thank you,” she cries.

“No worries.” I smile, cradling her head in my hand. She breathes in deeply and burrows her face into my neck and I close my eyes, hoping this moment will never end.

“You smell exactly the same as you did before…” Her voice trails off shyly. She doesn't need to finish her thought because I know what she means. Before we broke up. Before I crushed her heart over and over again. Before her entire world fell apart. 

“Is that a good thing or a bag thing?” I tease nervously, unsure of what her response will be.

“Definitely good,” she answers quickly, pulling back a little. She smiles and her cheeks redden again. She takes my hand in hers, warmth spreading quickly through me and my heart crashes loudly against my chest. She looks down at our hands and a tear rolls down her cheek and I reach over quickly to wipe it away.

“Tara what’s wrong?” 

“I can't believe how stupid I was…”

“What are you talking about?” 

“I didn't want to push you,” she admits quietly. “I let myself think that you needed time, that I needed to leave you alone. I didn’t realize how much I would miss you.”

“Hey, we’re here now. That’s all that matters.” I squeeze her hand and she squeezes back. She meets my eyes and I am lost. It takes every ounce of strength I have to not pull her up against me and kiss her.

The desire in her eyes matches my own and my breath catches in my throat as she leans forward. She lets go of my hand and wraps it around the back ofmy neck, pulling me closer to her. When our lips meet, it’s like I’m kissing her for the first time. Every other kiss pales in comparison to this moment. My skin tingles as her warmth rushes through me and everything around us disappears.

I’m disappointed when it's over but unlike our last kiss, she doesn’t drop her gaze. She keeps her bright eyes on mine, a small smile playing across her lips.

“That was nice,” she whispers, echoing my words from yesterday.

“Yeah it was,” I respond, trying to get my breathing under control. 

 

We stand there like statues and my mind races as I process what just happened. She kissed me. Why? All I’ve done is hurt her. How can she stand to be around me? How can she hold my hand and smile at me as if everything is okay?

“Tara, why did you kiss me?” I rasp, unable to keep the uncertainty out of my voice.

“Why did you kiss me yesterday?” She counters quickly.

“I asked you first,” I reply, smirking a little. I can’t let her off the hook that easily. She’s just as good as I am at dodging uncomfortable situations. As much as she accuses me of not talking about the hard stuff, she does the exact same thing. As different as we are, we definitely have that in common. 

“I don’t know,” she shrugs.

“Well you sure know how to make a guy feel special,” I smirk again. I know she’s just being shy, that she’s afraid to tell me the real reason. Not that I can blame her. I haven’t always been the best listener but it still annoys me. I still feel slighted by her offhand response.

“Christian, I didn’t mean it that way. I don’t know what to do! Part of me is saying that we can’t be together, that too much has happened, that no matter how hard we try, we’ll just keep hurting each other over and over… but the other part is telling me that we can make it work. That even though it won’t be easy, it’s worth it because if we really love each other then nothing else matters…”

She lowers her gaze and smiles, readjusting her bag on her shoulder. 

“Hey, let me get that.” I reach over for her bag and lift it off her shoulder to sling it over mine, surprised by how heavy it is. “Jeez Tara! This thing weighs a ton! What do you have in here? Rocks?” 

“Very funny Christian, give it back!” She makes a grab for it but I duck out of her reach, throwing my arms up in victory.  
“Not until you tell me what’s in here!” I tease.

“It’s none of your business! Just give it back!” She whines, extending her arm towards me. I walk back to her, acting like I’m going to hand it over but at the last minute I reach for the zipper and open it.

“Christian don’t!” She protests, grabbing hold of the straps, but it’s too late. I reach in and pull out the first thing my hand touches. It’s a book. A textbook to be exact. The Book On Writing: The Ultimate Guide to Writing Well. She grabs it out of my hand and I quickly reach in and pull out another. Writing Magic: Creating Stories That Fly. 

“What is this Tara?” I ask, my voice harsher than I mean it to be.

“What does it look like Christian?” She huffs, crossing her arms over her chest. Her cheeks flame but her tone is defiant, daring me to tease her about my discovery. 

“So, what… you want to be a writer now?” I scoff.

“I don’t know maybe,” she replies nervously. “It’s something that I’ve been playing around with lately. I started writing a little in the journal Saskia gave me during third year but since my fall… I’ve been writing more. Outside of therapy, there isn’t much I’ve had to do so it passes the time. It’s really helped me get through the last few months…”

When she reaches for her bag again, I let her have it. She puts her book back in the bag and then takes the one in my hand as well.

“Say something please. What are you thinking?”

I don't know what to think. My mind races as I try to understand what she’s saying and I ask the only question that comes into my head. 

“So does that mean you're not going to dance?” I’m a little annoyed. After the conversation we just had where she assured me that ballet was more important to her than anything…

“What? No of course not!” She protests. “Dancing is still my dream but… I can do both. I've just been having trouble organizing my thoughts and these books seem to help.”

I stay silent and I know she is waiting for me to say more but my mind is blank. I can't wrap my head around it.

“I can see the wheels turning. Please tell me what you're thinking,” she pleads. 

What do I say? She may want my approval but she doesn't need it. Whenever I thought she couldn't do something, it always came back to bite me. In the end, she’s going to do what she wants. Like always. 

“I think… that you can do whatever you want. You always have. You don't need me to tell you if it's a good idea or not. Do you like to write?”

“Yeah,” she admits quietly.

“Then write. You've always been good at telling a story,” I say sincerely. 

“Thanks Christian, that means a lot.” She quirks her mouth into a small smile and drops the remaining book back into her bag.   
“Is it weird that I like to write?”

“You’ve done weirder things,” I tease.

“True. It's a miracle that I've made it this far.”

She tries to keep her words playful but I can hear the doubt behind them. Again I'm reminded of her struggle, of my gaping absence since her fall. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I can't help thinking that this is all my fault. If I had been there, if I hadn't let my petty jealousy get in the way… I grit my teeth together and clench my fists, trying to breathe. 

“I'm sorry Tara,” I whisper, reaching out to hold her hand in mine. 

“For what?” She asks.

“For thinking that you were better off without me. I was stupid too! You were hurt and all I thought about was myself!”

“Christian stop… you can’t keep beating yourself up over every little thing! It’s in the past and if we’re going to move on, we have to let it go. No rules, no distractions. Just you and me. We’re here now, that’s all that matters right?”

She smiles and the sincerity in her voice gives me the courage to believe that we can make this work, that everything is going to be okay. I know where I need to be. She is where I need to be. 

Filled with a renewed sense of purpose and hoping that somehow I won’t manage to ruin everything again, I simply smile back at her and say, “Right.”


End file.
